THE QUEEN Has Spoken: The SUSSEXODUS Deal Is (Almost) Done

January 18, 2020 / Posted by:

Just ten days after Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Back To Plain Ole’ Meghan Markle made Prince Andrew’s life by taking all the spotlights off of him, Buckingham Palace has announced that the major details for them to no longer be “working” members of the royal family have been worked out. They are now many steps closer from going from living royal luxurious lives to living just regular luxurious lives. BP announced that they will no longer partake in royal duties, they will lose their HRH titles, they will no longer get money from the Sovereign Grant, and they have to repay all the renovations (reportedly around $3 million) that were made to their home Frogmore Cottage. Start trickin’, tricks!

When PHG and Meghan laid down their plans to become part-time royals, it seemed like they wanted to keep one foot in royal life and the other foot in peasant life. But THE QUEEN has kicked their feet over to the peasant side. In a statement released today, BP says that PHG and Meghan will stay members of the Royal Family but are no longer “working” members of it and will pay back the Sovereign Grant for redoing Frogwhore Cottage. BP wouldn’t say who is going to pay for security when PHG and Meghan are in Britain and their new home of Canada.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are grateful to Her Majesty and the Royal Family for their ongoing support as they embark on the next chapter of their lives.

As agreed in this new arrangement, they understand that they are required to step back from Royal duties, including official military appointments. They will no longer receive public funds for Royal duties.

With The Queen’s blessing, the Sussexes will continue to maintain their private patronages and associations. While they can no longer formally represent The Queen, the Sussexes have made clear that everything they do will continue to uphold the values of Her Majesty.

The Sussexes will not use their HRH titles as they are no longer working members of the Royal Family.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have shared their wish to repay Sovereign Grant expenditure for the refurbishment of Frogmore Cottage, which will remain their UK family home.

Buckingham Palace does not comment on the details of security arrangements. There are well established independent processes to determine the need for publicly-funded security.

This new model will take effect in the Spring of 2020.

BP also said that they won’t get money from the Sovereign Grant anymore but they will continue to get money from Prince Charles. PHG and Meghan are now free to bring in that $$$$ with book deals, speaking engagements, etc…, but BP couldn’t say if they can use the Sussex title (which they’re trying to trademark) to market themselves or to put out a line of SussexLube and SussexToys.

PHG and Meghan’s title is now THOSE GREEDY TREASONOUS BITCHES WHO BROUGHT DOWN THE MONARCHY, but their official titles are Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex. Rebecca English adds that Hot Ginge will keep the Prince title but won’t use it. Note to self: While romancing on my PHG Pillow Person, scream out just “HOT GINGE!” instead of “PRINCE HOT GINGE!” from now on.

THE QUEEN put out her own statement, and she probably originally wrote “fuck them fuck them” over and over again since they have forced her to work on a Saturday, but she scratched all that out and went with this instead:

Following many months of conversations and more recent discussions, I am pleased that together we have found a constructive and supportive way forward for my grandson and his family.

Harry, Meghan and Archie will always be much loved members of my family.

I recognise the challenges they have experienced as a result of intense scrutiny over the last two years and support their wish for a more independent life.

I want to thank them for all their dedicated work across this country, the Commonwealth and beyond, and am particularly proud of how Meghan has so quickly become one of the family.

It is my whole family’s hope that today’s agreement allows them to start building a happy and peaceful new life.

So yeah, they have to pay back to put navy blue kitchen cabinets, gold fixtures, farmhouse doors, and grey wood floors into Frogmore Cottage (you just know Meghan is into that Pinterest aesthetic), but they’re still getting money from daddy. Oh, PHG, please cuddle up next to me, so I can whisper sweet nothings into your ear like the fucking meaning of “financially independent.” Yeah, I know they’ll probably go on to bring in mountains upon mountains of money, but they haven’t done that yet, and according to reports, they still want to live like a royal with no budget by “eyeing” a $36 million waterfront mansion in Vancouver. So in the meantime, Meghan better open up a YouTube House of Sussex™ channel while I pray that PHG realizes that SussexSells and opens up a PornHub page called Duke of Sussexy. Yes, I’ll be typing that into the PornHub search bar over and over again. There goes my weekend.


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