Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 13, 2020 / Posted by:

Jelly Belly Sparkling Water!

La Croix, Bubly, Spindrift, Pellegrino, Perrier, and all of the other five hundred thousand brands who make beverages for people who hate basic water and want to touch their tongue with expensive ass sparkling water that tastes like watered down mouthwash, are about to watch their sales plummet. Because after years upon years (not at all) of people screaming for Jelly Belly to get into the overpriced sparkling water game (nobody was screaming that), they’re finally here to take La Croix’s spot as the spring/summer drink of choice for the Pumpkin Spice Latte set.

Jelly Belly already makes “water enhancer,” which makes basic water taste like a Jelly Belly pissed in it. And now they’ve teamed up with a company called Joffer Beverage Company for a line of flavored-sparkling water. There’s 8 flavors so far and they are: French vanilla, lemon lime, orange sherbet, piña colada, pink grapefruit, tangerine, very cherry, and watermelon. Unlike a Jelly Belly that’ll give you a cavity just from looking at it, Jelly Belly sparkling water has zero sugar and artificial sweeteners. So it’ll just give you acid reflux instead of the ‘betes.

Best Products says that a pack of 8 will go for either $4.99 or $5.99 and will only be able to buy at the Midwestern grocery chain Hy-Vee. Stephen Joffer of Joffer Beverage Company told this completely real story about how Jelly Belly-flavored burp-inducing fluid came to be:

“We were on the back patio, drinking a couple of popular sparkling water brands, when I said out loud, ‘If only someone could nail a sparkling water with really stand-out flavors. The lightbulb came on when my dad suggested, ‘Why not our own Jelly flavors? We are known for rich flavors after all.”

Since Jelly Belly just had to squeeze themselves onto a shelf that’s already crowded, they should’ve put out better flavors than grapefruit and cherry. They should’ve done more interesting Jelly Belly flavors like moldy cheese, skunk spray, rotten egg, and vomit. Maybe they didn’t do that because they figured that there’s already a vomit-flavored soda and it’s called Pepsi. But I hope this leads to Jelly Belly branching out into other things like lube, because who doesn’t want to smear buttered popcorn-flavored lube all over a b-hole before some rim jobbing?

Pic: Joffer

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