The Goop Cruise Is Coming This Summer

January 10, 2020 / Posted by:

Gwyneth Paltrow is always trying to find a new way to bring her highly-specific brand of audacious, niche fuckery to the world. She’s got her show. She’s got her ads. She’s got her lists. She’s got her bullshit. There’s no changing Gwynnie, she’s a cradle-to-the-grave high-octane lunatic. Well now she’s going to take things one-step further in her journey to extort educate the world on her GP ways: Goop At Sea, the Goop Cruise is coming. I mean, really? You want to be stuck on a boat with this many high-maintenance-ass people? There will be a murder on those high seas.

USA Today says that Goop is partnering with Celebrity Cruises to create the first ever Goop at-sea experience. This will happen on Celebrity Apex sailing, which departs from Barcelona on August 26, and will sail around the Mediterranean with a bunch of hyper-rich people with terrible decision-making skills, and a high level of self-obsession until September 6. I don’t know, that’s a long time to be holding a jade egg in your cooch.

Gwyneth told USA Today:

“I love being on the water, I love being by the water and I love being in the water. And I think, energetically, it’s very cleansing to be near the sea or in the sea.”

So the Goop portion is only one day of this, and will be on August 30. But like, if you wanna go to the Goop part, you’re there the whole time. Like, what–you’re gonna helicopter in? Well actually, with Gwyneth’s crowd… that’s possible.

Goop’s cruise day is inspired by the company’s “In Goop Health,” wellness summits–which we know were amazingly educational and didn’t encourage the people who attended to call GP an “extortionist” because of all the bullshit she over-charged for. She said:

“We’ve had massive success with In Goop Health, our wellness summit that translates Goop’s content into a tangible, high-touch experience. This partnership with Celebrity Cruises allows us to bring Goop to new audiences and to meet readers where they are.”

The announcement says:

“With Goop at Sea, we’ll be invoking that adventurous spirit with a series of transformative experiences led by a few of our most-trusted wellness practitioners and healers.”

It’s likely seminars offered at the cruise would be: “The Mind Session,” “The Body Session” and “The Soul Session”. It’s amazing because the only thing said in these sessions should be:

“The key is: have so much money you don’t know what to do with it so you can invest all your time, energy and attention into hedonistic bullshit.”

And hey, if it goes well they’ll do more! Gwyn said:

“If it resonates for the guest and it feels like a good (collaboration), then it’s definitely a partnership we’d like to expand on for sure. For Goop, we like to test everything out.”

These Goop at Sea tickets cost an “additional” $750 to guests who book suite accommodations. I checked and  a suite is $4100. The cheapest room is $2100 and it’s not called a “suite”; so I think your Goop ticket will cost more than $750 if you’re even eligible.

Personally, I just can’t wait to hear about the Goop-night cruise finale where they perform a ritual similar to the movie Midsommar where the two people on the ship with the oldest spirit-age leap from the vessel to their deaths, stuffed to brim with jade vagina eggs, in order to bless the rest of the Goopers with eternal grace. It’ll be a magical experience.

Pic: YouTube

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