When we last left the custody fight titled (in the voice of Martin Luther King Jr.) “I Want A Dream!” (may MLK Jr. slap me down for that one), Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna put down their shanks and agreed on custody and child support with both of them sharing 50/50 custody of their 3-year-old daughter Dream and Rob no longer having to pay Chyna $20,000 a month in support. Since this custody battle involved the messiest parties since the Montagues and Capulets (you know Romeo and Juliet’s custody fight would’ve been next level, they’re drama queens), it obviously wasn’t over. Rob is now claiming that right after Chyna put down her shank, she picked up a bottle of Hennessy as usual and chugged it like it was filled with the secret to relevancy while motioning to Dream with her hand to fetch her another bottle. TMZ says that Rob has filed documents asking to be Dream’s primary guardian, because Chyna’s house is The Drunk Cokehead’s Republic of Chyna.
Rob is asking the court to wipe away the 50/50 custody agreement and give him majority custody of Dream and let Chyna spend time with their daughter on the weekends with a nanny present. Rob claims that Chyna is doing damage to their daughter by being drunk all the time, snorting up coke, inviting strangers over her house to party while Dream is there, and violently attacking people in her home by throwing knives and lit candles at them. Chyna’s ex-assistant also claims her daily booze bill is $600 and that includes the bottle of Hennessy she downs on the regular. It is disgusting how Rob wants Chyna to take care of Dream on the weekends only. The weekend is made up of the week’s ultimate party days. What a rude monster! But seriously, these allegations are making me gasp like a Kardashian spotting the faintest sign of a face wrinkle, because we all know Blac Chyna to be the epitome of calmness and maternal decorum.
Rob states in the documents that because Chyna’s parenting skills are straight out of How To Fuck Up Your Child In Five Years Or Less by Dina Lohan (foreword by Mama June), Dream is suffering for it and turning into Mini Chyna.
Say what you want about Pimp Mama Kris, but I’m sure she was outraged over these allegations. I mean, Dream is already 3 years old and barely twerking. She should be training for the pole by now.
On top of all that, Khloe Kardashian claims in Rob’s documents that Dream is “decidedly more aggressive” during playdates with her cousins, started a physical fight with another child during gymnastics class last month, and told Khloe that she doesn’t want to go back to her mom.
The judge has a hard decision in front of them. Who is the less messy of the two? I have a feeling that the judge is going to raise their gavel, look at Rob, then look at Chyna, and then look at the gavel before saying, “Fuck it, I’m giving custody to the gavel.”