Jennifer Lopez may have lost the Golden Globe to Laura Dern last night, but at least she went home with a wonderful parting gift — Her name of everyone’s lips, even though it’s mostly been followed with “oof”. I hope Jennifer’s snow-effect Christmas tree skirt topped with oversized green and gold bows look came with a gift receipt. You know how they say “be the gift you want to see in the world?” Sure you do, that’s totally what they say, go with me here. We’re all dealing with a bit of a post-holiday, back to business hangover. Not least of all JLo, whose dress last night was that one neighbor who puts out a fully dead and brown Christmas tree on the curb in mid-February. Like, have they had that up in their living room this whole time? How many spiders are living in there?
The consensus on JLo’s look seems to be, no thanks, but we already have a festive Christmas Diva and her name is Mariah Carey. To me, the saddest part of this dress is how JLo had to hold up the bow all night so her boobie didn’t fall out.
Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez at the Golden Globes pic.twitter.com/2bJ6wLnmil
— Edona (@EdonaGKrasniqi) January 6, 2020
Jay-Z looks a little too excited by the possibly of tasting JLo’s nip real quick when no one looking. Judging by her only post of the dress on her Instagram, I think JLo might have had second thoughts about that bow.
Bow, what bow? Here are some reactions JLo’s dress received on Twitter.
— Joey Nolfi (@joeynolfi) January 6, 2020
— Anna (@AnnaJKozak) January 6, 2020
Jennifer Lopez looks like she tripped and fell backwards through a Michael’s pic.twitter.com/gVLJLQxVdC
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 6, 2020
— TuffTiff (@TriffyTiff) January 6, 2020
Here’s what she reminds me of — When I was a kid, one of the scariest things I would have to do with my mom was go with her to the catalog window at JCPenny during Christmastime to pick up all the stuff she had ordered because she wasn’t about to pay for shipping when she could go downtown and stand in line for 2 hours and pick that shit up herself. The downtown Berkeley JCPenny had had its heyday decades before, and was a dusty mid-century relic by this time. The catalog window was in the basement, in a corner, behind the mattresses. Next to the catalog window was the gift wrapping window. I suppose the idea was you could have the professional gift wrapper take that box and put the magic back on it with a luxurious gold satin bow. On the wall behind the gift wrap counter were rows of examples you could choose from. If there was a demon living in that wall, as I suspected there was, JLo’s dress looks like if he reached out of the wall, through the sample gifts, and dragged her to hell. Thankfully she fought her way out in time for the 2020 Golden Globes red carpet ceremony, but not before getting covered in 1980s JCPenny gift wrapping station demon ectoplasma.