For the fifth and (allegedly) final time, Ricky Gervais returned to host the 77th annual Golden Globe awards. And in case that glass of beer perched on the podium wasn’t a big enough clue, Ricky still doesn’t care! Except on Twitter, where he apparently cares very much. But if we’re specifically talking about his Golden Globes monologue, he clearly did not have a single fuck to give. See his hands? Nothing there, just totally empty. Kind of like some of the celebrity faces in the crowd as Ricky was roasting them up.
Ricky opened the show with nearly eight minutes worth of jokes, and a little plug for his show After Life. Ricky begged the winners not to get political with their speeches in an attempt to keep a long show from being too long, which was advice that only about 1/3 of the winners followed. Asking famous people to limit their speeches to a quick “Thank you” might be the most offensive thing said in that room.
But it really wasn’t, because Ricky cracked jokes about pedos, Felicity Huffman, superhero movies, and Jeffrey Epstein. He didn’t make any trans jokes, or dance too close to the n-word. But I guess he figured since it was his last time at the Golden Globes, he’d do some fresh material that he hasn’t done before. Here’s a few more notable quotes from Ricky’s monologue:
“Let’s have a laugh at your expense, shall we? Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all going to die soon, and there’s no sequel.”
“I came here in a limo tonight, and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.”
“In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world, people from every background. But they all have one thing in common: they’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you. He’s coming for you. Look, talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly. Leaving Neverland. The Two Popes.”
“You could binge-watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it’s still more fun than this, okay? Spoiler alert, season two is on the way, so in the end, obviously he didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up, I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care! You had to make your own way here on your own plane, didn’t you?”
“You know the actors who just do Hollywood movies do fantasy adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore, it’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids. Really, do we have an award for most ripped junkie? No point, we know who would win that.”
“Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the preview and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, come on, Leo, mate, you’re nearly 50!”
“The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats.”
“Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. You say you’re woke but the companies you work for, unbelievable, Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?”
— NBC Entertainment (@nbc) January 6, 2020
We can’t tell how every celebrity in attendance felt about Ricky’s jokes. But we do know that Leonardo DiCaprio seemed to love Ricky’s joke about his date being too old for him. Well, they do say that the best jokes are based on truth.
On the other side of the response coin was Tom Hanks. The camera kept landing on Tom Hanks’ face, and he really took us on an emotionally awkward roller coaster.
— No, uh… (@heeheehoohahaha) January 6, 2020
You know The Nicest Guy in Hollywood has a breaking point when he can’t even hide the fact that he looks like he’d rather be listening to Chet Hanks’ attempt an island accent.