Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Peloton cult victim!
Over the long Thanksgiving weekend, I drowned the half brain cell I have left with pounds of rotten mistletoe-infused cheese and peppermint-scented reindeer shit by watching way too many Hallmark Hall of Fame-type holiday movies. And scattered within all those Christmas movies was a heaping serving of skinny lady horror thanks to the holiday commercial for Peloton, which terrorized my senes at nearly every commercial break. Others felt the same and it has gone viral, because it’s like footage from a Dateline NBC episode about a husband who is accused of murdering his wife by getting her to cycle her way to death on a Peloton. Or is it a Dateline NBC episode about a woman who is accused of murdering her husband after she snaps from Peloton torture. Either or, really.
Peloton is a $2,245+ exercise bike with a screen that lets you take and watch live classes that are going down in their studio in NYC. I have a friend who has taken classes at Peloton’s NYC studio and says that some Pelotomaniacs travel to NYC just to take classes in person with their favorite instructor. That shit is a cult! And my theory about Peloton being a cult was further proved in their holiday commercial where a husband, who is obviously working for the Peloton cult leaders, recruits his wife by buying her a Peloton bike for Christmas. Even though the wife already sees the words “Skinny Ass Trick, Step Harder, I Can’t Register Your Weight” when she steps on a scale, she becomes a slave to Peloton. She runs home from work to take a class, she groans over having to get up at 6 to take a class (but afterward says it was totally worth it), and she gets all excited when an instructor says her name. She keeps a video diary of her Peloton journey, which includes terrified faces. Her eyes say “¡Ayúdame!” but her smile says “everything’s okay!” She’s making the face a shop owner makes when helping a customer behind the counter as a robber is crouched down below them with a gun stuck in their back.
Exhibit: A.
Exhibit: B.
Exhibit: C.
Exhibit: D.
And after the wife records a year full of Peloton memories, she shows it to her husband and daughter, and in the last shot says, “A year ago I didn’t realize how much this would change me. Thank you.” The husband sits there with a smug smile on his face, thinking, “We got her.” The Peloton brainwashing is complete! She’s one of them now.
The commercial becomes even more terrifying thanks to Tal Bachman’s She’s So High.
That shit is like Scenes From A Scientology Marriage.
Like I said above, the ad has gone viral from people shitting all over it with some calling it a Black Mirror episode. And since the internet works fast, there’s already a parody. And I’m sure that it’s only a matter of time before a FREETHEPELOTONLADY rally starts up in front of Peloton’s studio.
I’d like to think that in the sequel, the Peloton wife shakes out of her brainwashed spell, realized what her husband did, and rides far, far away from him… along with her Peloton bike, which she fell in love with and plans to marry.
Pic: YouTube