Goop’s Holiday Gift Guide Features A BDSM Starter Kit And Designer Toilet Paper
This holiday season, Gwyneth Paltrow is promoting pain. But you can relax your jade egg hole, the pain’s not for you. It’s for your loved one! Perhaps inspired by her sister-in-law, BDSM aficionado Dakota Johnson, the crown jewel in Goop’s Holiday Gift Guide for 2019 is a $1,350 “restraining arts kit”. The kit includes leather restraints and a “leather bound paddle”. And if getting beaten red with an overpriced ping-pong paddle (trust me, an $8 paddle from Dick’s Sporting Goods works just fine) isn’t punishment enough for your ass, Gwyneth also recommends a $35 pack of bamboo toilet paper that comes in “chic dark floral packaging”. Destroying vaginas is so last year. In 2020, Gwyneth’s coming for all your asses!
Here’s Goop’s description of the BDSM kit. And look, at least she’s included a $250 hand forged copper fire extinguisher for after.
Wrist cuffs? Ankle cuffs? Leather-bound paddle? Yes, yes, and ohhh yes. Think of this kit as a beginner’s guide to BDSM. It’s even equipped with DIY restraining straps, to help you, him, or her assume the position (wink, wink).
Wink, wink? If you can’t describe having your partner laid out, ass up, while you whale on that shit ‘til you’re out of breath without resorting to coy euphemisms, you don’t deserve the job. Buy the $495 coffee maker instead, you worm.
If the coffee maker is too rich for your blood, I feel sorry for you. What’s it like being poor? You don’t go to Starbucks do you? How gauche! And what about water? You do know the stuff that comes out of your faucet is only fit for flushing toilets right? You’re basically killing yourself if you don’t drink out of an $80 “smokey quartz crystal infused water bottle“ and you’ll literally die from dehydration if you don’t pair that with a “hydration reminder“, a bargain at just $30, that you attach to your water bottle and blinks “when your sipping has slipped.” Biological thirst is a crutch for poor people and uggos.
Pic: Goop