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Breath Asure, the Poo-Pourri for your mouth!

The makers of Breath Asure probably though that’d by now, they’d be drinking diamonds out of a gold goblet while lounging on a clear floatie filled with money in a pool of money at one of the multi-million dollar mansions they bought with all the billions they made from their magical stank breath-killing pills! But that’s not what happened at all.

Breath Asure was introduced to mouths in the 1990s, and it was supposed to take out Certs, Tic Tacs, Altoids, and every other mint in the game. Breath Asure claimed that all you had to do was swallow one of their little capsules and it’d naturally give you pretty breath for at least 4 hours or until you ate something that’d give you rank breath again. Breath Asure claimed that onions, garlic, and coffee were no match for them. The ingredients were made up of mostly parsley and sunflower oils. So basically you could probably gargle with salad dressing too.

The legendary George Kennedy was the face of Breath Asure for a bit, and I bet he’d tell you this was the highlight of his career!

And another infomercial starred Brad Cummings with a dummy who is obviously lying since dummies don’t have working noses!

At its peak in 1997, Breath Asure had $30 million in sales. But Warner-Lambert Co., the manufacturer of Certs, Dentyne, and Listerine, was not about to let Breath Asure fuck with their money. The Los Angeles Times says that Warner-Lambert fought a bitch hard, used their power, and challenged all of Breath Asure’s claims in U.S. District Court. Warner-Lambert said that Breath Asure does not clean breath from the inside and that its freshening up of shitty breath was about as effective as drinking a glass of water. They continued to win in court, which led to Breath Asure filing for bankruptcy in 2000 after they were legally told that they could not make the claims that they made before.

After a string of legal defeats, including a permanent injunction last year barring the company from calling its product BreathAsure, the company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in December.

“For the past three years, the Warner-Lambert company has been after us,” said Anthony Raissen, executive vice president of BreathAsure and husband of Lauren Raissen, the company’s president and chief executive. “They left us very little alternative but to file for Chapter 11, and that’s what we ended up doing.”

Breath Asure was later sold at auction and that was that.

There’s a few knock-offs for sale today, but I do wonder whatever happened to Breath Asure’s back stock. They should bring it back and re-market is as magical disintegrating anal beads that make your caca smell minty fresh. Yes, they should call it Poop Asure, and sell it exclusively on Goop, because pooting out possibly fraudulent claims is their brand.

Pic: YouTube