Finally, after putting Sofia Vergara through years and years of legal (and I’m sure emotional) turmoil over a couple of people-flavored ice cubes, a judge in Louisiana has dismissed Nick Loeb’s frozen embryo custody claims. The judge ruled in favor of Sofia who claimed that her ex-fiance Nick wouldn’t recognize a crawfish if it was living down the front of his pants because he never actually lived in Louisiana. Nick claimed to have moved there so that the frozen embryos he and Sofia made while they were together could live under the protection of Louisiana law, which probably would have let Emma and Isabella (yes, he named them) vote in the 2020 election if they could prove they wouldn’t melt into sludge the minute they got popped out of the ice tray.
Nick is a multi-millionaire Onion Crunch mogul who wasn’t even smart enough to convince the judge he spent any time at all in the state of Louisiana, despite his copious resources. According to Page Six:
The case bounced to various Louisiana courts before landing in the 25th Judicial District Court for Plaquemines Parish, where Judge Kevin D. Conner handed Vergara a big victory. Conner dismissed Loeb’s case on Oct. 11 “with prejudice,” Page Six has learned, ruling in Vergara’s favor on nine motions and decreeing all trial exhibits except one be unsealed. Loeb was fighting to keep the documents private.
Loeb also argued he’d lived at two Louisiana residences outside New Orleans on “Zeta Drive” and “Protti Drive.” But according to court papers, the judge found that Loeb “testified he did not spend one night at the Protti Drive apartment and that he did not furnish it. He hired someone to receive the furniture and decorate the apartment on Zeta. Mr. Loeb has never voted in Plaquemines Parish … [He] admitted that the utilities at his Belle Chase apartment were cut off due to nonpayment. He does not know any of his neighbors on Zeta.”
This chump was too busy making a pro-life movie about Roe v Wade to shoot off an email to an assistant reminding them to pay his electric bill.
The judge also determined that Nick doesn’t have any bank accounts in Louisiana, doesn’t operate any businesses, nor is he registered to vote there. Then he really let him have it. You’re not going to walk up in his courtroom claiming The Saints and not knowing that “who dat” is a rhetorical question.
“According to Mr. Loeb, he resides everywhere and nowhere. He arrived in Louisiana the day before the deposition, traveling from New York,” and while Loeb lived in suburban Belle Chasse, “he stayed for several days at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in New Orleans.” The judge also pointed out that during the time Loeb alleged he lived in Louisiana, he had a daughter with another girlfriend, but the baby was born in New York, and “the child and her mother currently reside in Barcelona,” where Loeb has a $400,000 yacht.
Nick is of course appealing because he apparently has nothing better to do like, I don’t know, spend time with his actual baby who can thrive in temperatures above freezing. He says the embryos “are human beings with every right to their lives and every right to be born” so I guess for Nick, it’s a matter of principle and too much disposable income.