In Completely Understandable News: Mariah Carey Confused Reese Witherspoon With Jennifer Aniston

October 13, 2019 / Posted by:

Now, before you catty kittys all give a resounding “bland basics – it’s understandable, Mimi” hand wave at her error – Reese is a blonde! And Aniston is like a…brunette color. And Reese once asked a cop if he knew who her ass was? And Aniston had the “Rachel.” Two different ladies of varying career successes! Anyway, yeah, Mariah Carey gave a speech in which she confused Reese Witherspoon with Jennifer Aniston and you’re right, all it required was the teleprompter mixup hand wave that Mimi gave it.

Metro reports that Mimi was being honored at the Variety Power of Women luncheon in Los Angeles on Friday for her charity work when she confused Reese and Aniston during her acceptance speech.

Mimi was being feted for financing the Fresh Air Fund’s Camp Mariah 25 years ago which lets inner-city kids experience a career awareness summer camp every year. Much like an NYE back-up dancer or Ryan Seacrest would, Mariah’s teleprompter viciously betrayed her during her speech and she suddenly revealed she had no idea who the basics on hand actually were.

The singer joked that she knew it was going to break and then riffed that luckily she had the cue cards, telling the audience: ‘This prompter thing? I predicted it. This is why I have cue cards because I was watching Reese Witherspoon doing her speech – I am completely off speech right now – why can’t it be the one that’s right in front of you? ‘Oh Lord, well I will just get into it and trust these prompters will work.’

And – HAH – it had been Jennifer Aniston who had been previously speaking. HAHAHAHAHHA. That’s funny.

Mariah Carey recovered and went on to be her festive self, cracking that starting the camp 25 years ago was an amazing accomplishment for “a two-year-old child.”

Mimi went on to talk about rising up to a penthouse in the sky where she could do the Stairmaster in heels despite tons of toxic masculinity.

‘I was 18 years old when I got my first record deal. A lot of very powerful men controlled my career — what I wore, who I worked with, and every aspect of my overall image,’ she added, speaking passionately about sexism and racism in the industry. ‘Believe me, that can be very intimidating and confining to a young girl just getting started, trying to express herself artistically. It took a lot of hard work, inner strength and believing in myself, but slowly I gained the courage to emerge from that stifling control by a group of men.’

Mariah closed her speech to cheers.

But Mariah thanked ‘each woman in this room and all the women who have come forward’ with their stories of harrowing experiences and to cheers from the audience, concluded: ‘Above all, they’re triumphs over the misogynistic society of corporate a**** that we deal with every day’.

What the Metro forgot to report was when Mariah thanked Reese at the end for “giving you all that sitcom haircut that I myself would never have worn myself but the lessers among you adopted and it was so cute, dahlings.”

And Aniston and Reese shouldn’t feel bad, because at least they didn’t get physically IDontKnowHer’d by Mimi like Diane “Doesn’t Deserve To Be Called Kris Jenner” Warren did.


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