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October 2, 2019 / Posted by:

The Bed Bugs Board Game!

Nowadays, us growns see bed bugs as unholy creatures who came from Lucifer’s urethra to taint every piece of clothing and upholstered furniture we own, which has made us avoid discarded street mattresses at all costs, and cause us to put on a full bed bugs-proof body condom (with holes cut out for our anus and peen) before popping a PrEP during a Grindr hookup. But back in the 80s, bed bugs were cute little, colorful things that we plucked out on a board game. FUN!

The Bed Bugs board game still exists today, because I saw it at Target, and threw the sign of the cross at it. Who in the hell would gladly pay and take home bed bugs, even though they’re not really bed bugs, and are actually just plastic dingles that can’t crawl or infect anything? But well, I guess some weirdos want to bring that unholiness into their homes because Hasbro still makes it.

The game is so simple that even a Kardashian could play it…. if you slowed it down to about 1/100th of the speed, put their pictures on the bugs (since they only like to look at themselves), and told them it was an activity that would make their fingers skinnier. What I’m saying is that it was so easy even a brain-dead rock could play it. You basically picked your color, put the bugs on the bed, turned the game on, and then used tweezers to quickly pick out your bugs. Whoever picked all their bugs first, won!

Honestly, that game may seem simple and dumb, but it was a good tool. Because thanks to hours of playing Bed Bugs as a kid, I can easily catch my crotch crabs as an adult. Thanks, Bed Bugs!

Pic: YouTube

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