Miranda Kerr Rivals Goop With Her Home Wellness Routine

September 25, 2019 / Posted by:

Because everything on the internet lasts forever now, you can always get in trouble for things long after they’re done. With celebrities this means they can usually be dragged well after any kind of commentary they make in an interview or red carpet moment which may fall by the wayside it’s first time around the block. Enter: Miranda Kerr.

Miss Former Victoria’s Secret Model-turned-face-cream seller/wife of Snapchat billionaire/flaky disaster Evan Spiegel, is super fucking richSuper. So as such, she has a lot of extra cash to throw around at hyper-expensive bullshit that “improves” her life–à la Goopy Paltrow. Well, Goop can take a seat and put her alkaline-filled ass on her non-demagnetized cushions. There’s a new girl in town who is redefining the words “too much.

Back in May Page Six says that Miranda spoke with NewBeauty magazine as she’s now an entrepreneuse of some kind of what I discern to be face-tightening?-cream. Or something?–She selling you somethin’:

Miranda then got into her wellness routines, and it’s a lot. She may as well get into a rose-quartz pod at night and have crystals remove the electricity from her body, because she’s so worried about radiation that she’s out here with an EMF detector checking her house like she’s motherfucking Ghost Hunters.

Miranda said this about the EMF-proof house that the puppy dog filter built (via The Cut):

“We have a lot. We have the air purifier. We have the stickers you put on the back of your phone for radiation. I have the EMF detector that picks up the waves in the air. I’ve had the whole house checked by a professional who looks for things like EMF waves and things like that. I even have something installed in my Malibu house to turn out all the power while we sleep. It’s basically a button that turns all the power off, except for the fridge and security cameras, in the nighttime. So when you go to sleep, you don’t have any Wi-Fi or electricity in the house at all.

It’s like going camping! I also have an alkaline water filter so I can pick the pH of our water. There’s a lot of research on that–you don’t want to be going too alkaline because you do need a little stomach acid to digest your food. I typically choose somewhere around the 7.5 to 7.9 mark for the water. Then I like using Palo Santo to clear the energy in the space, and I also have little diffusers around the house with essential oils, depending on what’s going on. We even mop the floors with hot water and eucalyptus oil, which is what my mother used to do.”

We have a lot” is the only part of that which makes any sense. It would make even more sense if she said, “We have too much.” And what’s with this, “We even mop the floors,” shit? Who’s “we”? Does she mean her team of housekeepers wearing organic and sustainable bamboo uniforms who throw Miranda and Evan EMF waves with their eyes after those two say to them, “Do you think WE could make the alkaline mop water precisely 140 degrees?” And in this case, EMF stands for Extremely Malicious Fuck-you-eyes.

Pic: Wenn.com

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