That headline was a little redundant. Because this picture of Gwendoline Christie arriving at the Emmys last night looking like Jesus Christ’s older, cooler sister Julie is telling you everything my title did and more. Of course the fashion from last night’s ceremony was extra as hell. Even before all the celebrities arrived, things were over-the-top. Nothing says, “Brace yourselves for fashion!” like making everyone stand and pose in front of a gold, glitter-covered anti-slip bath mat.
In the event you aren’t familiar with Gwendoline Christie, she went ahead and made it more difficult for those people by showing up looking like a character from The New Pope or The Real Housewives of Vatican City. Gwendoline is of course from Game of Thrones, and she’s wearing Gucci. But if you told me she was wearing a costume she stole from the parish robe closet of St. Thomas Aquinas after getting a little buzzed during communion, I would have believed that too.
Also working a theme look was Mandy Moore.
Mandy, who wore a Brandon Maxwell gown, kind of looks like a character from a TV show about feuding QVC hosts. Maybe it’s the hair, or the off-the-shoulder satin in cake frosting pink. But in my fantasy, Mandy plays a character named Sabrina St. Diamond, who seduces her rival’s husband Chet at the QVC holiday party. And yes, she uses the pick-up line: “I want you to cling to me like the exquisitely-gathered neckline of a crêpe blouse clinging onto a Huggable Hanger.”
Up next is Kerry Washington, in a shirt and some very loud pants from Alexandre Vauthier.
I can always appreciate anyone who wears pants to an awards ceremony, because they’re a million hours long, and you deserve to be comfortable. But Kerry’s outfit looks like it might have been better suited for the Tony awards. And not really as an attendee. More like a member of the chorus for a musical based on the time Sharon Stone wore a Gap dress shirt to the 1998 Oscars.
I do have to hand it to Niecy Nash, because her Christian Siriano outfit looked really good against the bath mat background on the Emmy’s purple carpet. She looks like if Ursula from The Little Mermaid was more bad bitch than bad, and gave Ariel a set of legs and the chance to hook up with a human in exchange for a dinner date with her hot dad, King Triton.
And finally, there’s Gwyneth Paltrow, who was there because she’s married to TV person Brad Falchuck, and also because she’s a TV girl now (oh how the tables have turned). Gwyneth showed up in a vintage Valentino gown from 1963 that kind of made her look like an uptight feather duster, which is so out of character for Gwyneth (ew, house cleaning? Like regular people). But the most important aspect of her gown is how she moved in it. Gwyneth took approximately 45 minutes to get to the mic to present the award for Lead Actress in a Drama Series, and moved like she had just pulled the duvet off the bed, post-fuck, and was awkwardly shuffling off to the bathroom to pee.
Congratulations to all the performances that won Emmy’s tonight but the best performance of the night is Gwyneth Paltrow’s walk to the stage pic.twitter.com/b2LLcmpU9c
— Jon (@prasejeebus) September 23, 2019
That’s a stiff walk! Honestly, that’s the walk you do when you’re afraid of your jade egg popping out, rolling off stage, and hitting someone from Game of Thrones in the face.
In case you want more fashion from the Emmys, here’s a whole lot of it!