Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 21, 2019 / Posted by:

The Hatchimals Llalacorn that looks like a big cut dick!

Jezebel nearly owed me a new mouse, because I almost broke that shit after clicking hard to their site from seeing their headline “This Is a Dick” on my Twitter feed. They LIED to me, sort of, because I didn’t get hit in the face with an actual dick. I got hit in the face with a toy that looks like a dick, specifically the glitter pink-headed furry purple pencil dick of Gorgon Heap. And it’s all thanks to those evil toy inventors at Hatchimals.

Just like the Dora Aquapet, the Play-Doh Decorating Dil-Doh, and Hannah Montana peen candy before it, Hatchimals has hatched out a phallic wonder. Starting next month, Hatchimals, which was born in 2014 thanks to the crazy popularity of those annoying YouTube unboxing videos, is selling the first ever re-hatchable creation for around $80. Llalacorn (which sounds like something a Teletubby would find in their turd after eating corn on the cob) is a llama and unicorn hybrid with a Celine-Dion-on-steroids-length neck that measures in at 32 inches tall.

The Verge says it’s being sold in either pink or purple, but the owner won’t know until they tilt the egg back and forth, causing Llalacorn to sprout up with that egg shell on its head and sing “Hatchy Birthday!” to itself. That sounds more horrifying than watching that Hello My Baby, Hello My Honey alien hatch out of a human stomach in SpaceBalls. It takes Llalacorn a full five minutes to get into its final form, which seems a long time to get a full boner. Bitch needs Viagra.

Hatchimals’ line of re-hatchable toys is called Hatchimals WOW, which is probably short for, “WOW, that looks like a dick!”┬áHere it is without its dick head shell, and even without it, it still kind of looks like a dick as seen through the eyes of a Muppet on acid:

Adults obviously run Spin Master (the company that owns Hatchimals), I think, so one of them had to see the giant peen in front of them, but let it go through anyway. They probably knew that the hard-up hos out there will gladly buy it too since we’ll buy anything that remotely looks like a peen. Damn, they got me.

Pic: Hatchimals

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