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September 19, 2019 / Posted by:

Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza!

While many gourmet cuisine emporiums are fighting it out in the Chicken Sandwich Wars, Pizza Hut has gone a different direction and decided not to get in on the heart attack-inducing stupidity by putting out a fried chicken sandwich crusted pizza. Instead, they’ve decided to reinvent the wheel, or Cheez-It in this case (which honestly, is more important than the damn wheel), by giving us a square flat Hot Pocket and calling it Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza!

Pizza Hut’s Cheez-It Pizza could’ve been a pizza made with cheese sauce from crushed and blended Cheez-Its, or better yet, a pizza on a giant Cheez-It crust. But instead, Pizza Hut butt burped out the fuck effort baby of a toasted ravioli and an off-brand Hot Pocket.

Pizza Hut is offering it up for a limited-time and they come four to an order along with a cup of marinara. That’ll cost your ass $6.49 and multiple trips to Toilet Town, I’m sure. On September 24, Pizza Hut is adding this mess to their $5 N’ Up Lineup and it will cost $6 when you buy two or more $5 N’ Up Lineup items.

According to a review from The Takeout, it not only looks like something an elementary school chef would hastily whip up using expired pastry puff sheets and shredded cheese after they ran out of square pizza, it tastes like it too. The Takeout says that the innards taste like a Pizza Hut pizza and the outer part tastes like a Cheez-It, but a sad, soggy one.

The only true flaw was the crust. The other thing that makes Cheez-Its so compulsively snackable, besides the cheez, is their crunchiness. The contrast between the crust and the cheese is also one of the things that make pizza—and also true toasted ravioli—so great. There was no crunch here. The Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza is too soggy to attain true snack greatness, or to ever rival a well-made toasted ravioli.

It also looks much different than that Photoshopped ad above:

That looks more like the pus-oozing fried square tits of SpongeBob Squarepants. But well, I better roar up my face, because I’m gonna go motorboatin’ on SpongeBob Squarepants’ pus-oozing fried square tits from Pizza Hut this weekend.

Pic: Pizza Hut

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