Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 7, 2019 / Posted by:

The Drunk Raccoons of Stittsville!

Over ten years ago, I wrote about honorary Hot Slut of the Day, Fat Boy, a pony who ended up where many of us have ended up: drunk and stuck in a pool at 3 in the morning. Fat Boy ended up drunker than me at a daytime family reunion after he ate up a bunch of fermented fruit on the ground. Well, at least two Canadian raccoons have pulled a Fat Boy, but haven’t had to be rescued from a pool…yet.

The people of Stittsville, a Canadian suburb in Ottawa, Ontario, have found that their town has been turned into a Pussy Posse yacht party, because a bunch of drunken rabid smelly creatures are stumbling around everywhere. CBC News says that residents have been calling 311 about fucked up raccoons lying in their yards while in a state of hungallthewayover. One resident, Emily Rodgers, says she came home on Monday and found a passed out raccoon in her backyard. After watching the raccoon struggle to walk and get it together, she called 311 and city workers came to help the drunk mess out.

Another resident, Julie Fong, took video of another drunk raccoon, looking at her like, “If you’re going to record me like I’m a drunken The Hoff, at least bring me a damn cheeseburger,” while riding the hangover wave on one of her pathways.

Julie believes that the drunk raccoon in the video is the same one who took a nap on her fence (above).

A rep for the City of Ottawa says that there’s only been two calls about drunk raccoons, and whenever they get a call about a wild animal in need, they take it to the Humane Society to get looked at by a vet.

Michael Runtz, a biology professor at Carleton University, told CBC that because of the heat, fruit is getting fermented, and if you come across a drunken raccoon, don’t give them some menudo:

“Don’t try to give them coffee and get them sobered up, just let them go their course,” Runtz said. “If you’re really concerned about the animal, call … some of the animal control officers to come have a look at it.”

It’s funny that the biology professor’s advice on how to deal with a hungover raccoon is the same way my mom deals with a hungover me. She leaves me alone, but if I do something that concerns or annoys her (read: binge watch 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days while eating nothing but McDonald’s fries), she calls animal control to get me out of her sight.

Pic: Julie Fong/CBC News

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