Orlando Bloom Assures Everyone His Dick Isn’t That Big

There are definitely people who will zoom in CSI-style on the crotch folds of Orlando Bloom’s trousers, hoping to be able to call him a liar. But save your time! Orlando swears that no matter what you think, or what you think you remember from those paddle boarding pictures, it’s not that big.

It’s been three years since Orlando Bloom got caught by photographers paddle boarding naked while on vacation with Katy Perry in Sardinia, Italy. We got a plethora of censored and uncensored pictures, with the uncensored pictures being the most difficult to find (they were on Tumblr, but then Tumblr went ahead with that boring zero nudes tolerance policy). And if you’ve only seen the censored pics, then you’ve seen the gigantic wang shadow on his leg:

guys lmao look at the shadow (Orlando Bloom) pic.twitter.com/k5KQ20pqdo

— jean-baptiste (@artworkbyjb) August 3, 2016

Lad Bible reports that Orlando was asked about those pictures during a recent appearance on The Howard Stern Show. Howard Stern asked Orlando if he was upset when his covered junk ended up all over the internet three years ago. Orlando says he was, but it sounds like the conversations that followed were the bigger headache (no pun intended?).

“Of course. I was like, ‘Wait, what?’ The publicist called to say, ‘That is not the worst of it. First of all there were pictures with a block over it.’ And you make some jokes like: ‘Have you got a black box big enough to cover it?’ And then you suddenly realize somebody is going to uncover the black box because they are going to be paid enough. It’s a triple whammy – photos, black box, then no black box…It is really not that big. Things are expanded on cameras with a big optical lens. It is an optical illusion.”

You can still see Orlando Bloom’s junk for yourself (NSFW). Orlando makes it seem like those original pictures are like staring into a Magic Eye picture, and that the result is some kind of cock’tical illusion. But I don’t think that’s correct, and the proof is right there in the picture. Orlando claims the look of his dick was altered with some kind of wide-angled lens that exaggerated things. But Katy Perry is right there, looking pretty much like Katy Perry always has. And her boobs are right near his dick, aka the scene of the optical crime. If Orlando’s argument was really true, then everyone would have seen Katy Perry on the end of his paddle board and wondered when Orlando left her for Dolly Parton.

Pic: Wenn.com