Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 2, 2019 / Posted by:

The last day of summer is technically on September 23, but today, Labor Day, is the unofficial last day of “burning your ass cheeks while sunning on the driveway as you sip White Claws” weather. When you wake up tomorrow, a single autumn leaf will fall outside your window as the birds chirp a Sara Bareilles song and you let out a pumpkin spice-scented fart as you go to the closet to grab your autumn uniform of a knock-off Burberry scarf, UGG thigh-highs, corduroy coochie cutters, and a half sweater. But today is still summer dammit, and before pools become ice skating rinks, let’s pay tribute to a pool toy that made many lungs of children explode in the 80s and 90s!

Dive rings are still around today (and there’s even fancier types of dive toys), but in the 80s and 90s they were one way to pass the time in between games of Marco Polo. The way it worked is you threw the rings into the deep end of the pool and they’d sink to the bottom. You and your little friends took turns trying to collect as many rings from the deep end as you could in one breath. It was a Survivor challenge before Survivor even existed! If you were a regular Michael Phelps-type who was able to grab all in one breath, you were declared the Neptune of that pool.

You know that breathing test where you exhale into a tube at your doctor’s office? Well, the last time I did it, the gay nurse at my gay doctor’s office who did it said to me afterward, “I bet you hardly get a second date with a man.” First of all, unprofessional! Second of all, totally true. What I’m getting at is that I have shit lungs and can barely hold my breath. So when I played the dive rings game, I was lucky if I grabbed one.

But I wish I had some dive rings to play with in the pool today, because I’d probably be to push my lungs to beyond the limit and snatch them all fast. All I would have to do is tell myself that those rings are Aquaman’s used cock rings and a dive ring champion, I’d be!

Pic: Eightieskids.com

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