I know you’ve all been waiting on an update to one of the most hard-hitting news stories in this extremely volatile historical moment we’re experiencing as a people. I know times may seem dark, and we may be completely divided, but don’t worry guys: Dakota Johnson‘s tooth gap will return. Yes!
Yesterday, we learned that Dakota was spotted with her teeth looking totally aligned and properly-spaced, which was not normal. Where was that small gap between the front ones? Well she explained what happened to Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show and it’s as boring an answer as you can expect. She claims it just did it on its own. Cool. But don’t worry you tooth-gap fetishists, she also says she’s planning on getting it back.
Dakota appeared on The Tonight Show to talk about that movie Peanut Butter Falcon she has with Shia LaBeouf which is the reason we all know about this gap since she showed off her regular-looking teeth at the premiere. Jimmy asked about the gap no longer between Dakota’s teeth. Well Dakota has an answer for anyone wondering what happened to her teeth:
“So I had a permanent retainer since I was, like, 13 and it was just glued to the back of my teeth. And I was having a lot of neck problems recently, so my orthodontist, she decided it would be a good idea to take it off and see if my jaw sort of expanded and it helped me… And my gap closed by itself and I’m really sad about it too… so…”
Of course Jimmy was astounded by this since he is no doctor and doesn’t know the intricacies of the human body and how every part can affect each other differently. Enter Dakota Johnson for the anatomy lesson. Dakota then asked for some privacy in this trying moment in her life:
“I’m sad about my gap tooth too, so I’d really appreciate some privacy in this time of grieving… I have to deal with a whole new world of problems… Getting food stuck in my tooth… Yeah, cause before it would just slide right through.”
And rest assured, Dakota has no plans to live this gap tooth-free life for long. That little space of nothingness will return:
“But it’s gonna come back… yeah… other retainers… we’re gonna do it in a really holistic sort of osteopathic way.”
Oh god, I was right: Chris Martin got her on that Goop shit. She’s gonna put a gap in her tooth back with some Goop-powered bullshit. Is she gonna have the telekinetic powers of her goodwill open her teeth up for her? Or maybe some “mindful hydration” will lead to her gap just opening up on it’s own? Or does Gwyneth have jade pussy eggs but for tooth gaps? If not Dakota just became her test audience. Get ready for GP to start selling you $15,000 gold tooth-spacers inspired by Dakota.