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August 3, 2019 / Posted by:

Tongue-Coloring Cheetos!

Eating Cheetos usually makes your mouth look like you just blew Trump after he hadn’t bathed for a couple of days (read: makes your mouth look like orange cheese hell), but in the early-2000s and up until 2010, Frito-Lay decided to add even more chemicals to Cheetos and they added chemicals that either made you look like Slimer barfed in your mouth (turned your tongue green) or made you look like a Smurf barfed in your mouth (turned your tongue blue).

Because we’re all bored and will put almost anything in our mouths  (see: Oscar Mayer’s Hot Dog Ice Cream Sandwich, and also my Grindr hook-ups), Frito-Lay probably knew that America would eat up their Mystery Colorz Cheetos, and we did for a while. They were just like regular Cheetos, but as your stomach and bowels melted from taking in processed cheesiness, your mind melted from your tongue turning colors. But one review said that Chester Cheetah scammed a country because that color-changing schtick wasn’t that magical:

The dumbest thing of all about these “mystery colorz” was that there was hardly any difference between the green ones and the blue ones — they all looked just about the same, so what was the mystery?

If you’re hoping to play with the colors without taking the risk of putting these in your mouth, don’t bother: I ran a Cheeto under cold tap water and then hot tap water, and neither changed the color at all.

That review was pretty spot on, because here’s a video of a Jurassic Park employee taking a break from feeding the T-Rexes to show us that by “mystery colorz,” Cheetos meant, “the fuck color is this?!” But still, you know it brought Britney Spears hours, if not days, if not months, if not years of entertainment. Shit, she’s probably still standing in front of the mirror laughing at her green-blue tongue after eating a Mystery Colorz Cheeto.

Those things probably turned your insides green and blue too. But better than red from your bowels crying blood tears over trying to process some Cheetos.

Pics: TaquitosSnack Overload 

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