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July 27, 2019 / Posted by:

Blurp Balls!

After the 80s proved that it was one of the most fucked-up and crazy eras when it came to children’s toys by making Madballs a hit, the knock-offs starting roll out from the gates of HELL including Blurp Balls. Blurp Balls may sound like some kind of kinky sexual shit involving burping and slurping on a pair of huevos, but in the 90s, it was the name of some Madballs knock-offs.

A company called ERTL put out Blurp Balls in 1991. Like Madballs, they were a set of balls that were so hideously gnarly that not even I would put my tongue on them if a Grindr trick flopped them out of his chonies during a hook-up (okay, I would). There was a mob of Blurp Ball characters including Boney Tossteeth, T-Retch, Count Have-A-Heart, Spittooey Sooey, Biff Barfball, Sharkey Skullsquert, Retch-A-Rat Tomcat, and Croakey Bugchuck. Those character names sound sex acts found on Urban Dictionary.

Blurp Balls weren’t completely a lazy copy + paste job of Madballs. They did bring something different. When you squeezed them, they blurped out a tiny Blurp Ball. “Yes, I’d like to file to emancipate from my child” is probably something that several lawyers heard in the early-90s from parents who were sick of being hit in the face with tiny Blurp Balls every time their brat stepped on the bigger one, sending the baby one flying.

And the commercial seriously belongs in The MET.

Blurp Balls were not long for this world and were discontinued shortly after their debut. So I guess if you want your fix of a gross creature spitting out something as equally as gross, you’ll have to watch a Trump press conference.

Pic: Reddit

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