Joaquin Phoenix And Rooney Mara Are Getting Married

July 22, 2019 / Posted by:

There was a time when it was absolutely beyond the realm of possibility to imagine Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara apathetically mumbling “I do” while someone on a vintage Moog synthesizer plays a non-traditional wedding march. Because Joaquin and Rooney allegedly thought marriage was “too mainstream” for them.

But then in May, Rooney was seen with a ring on her wedding finger, and it sure didn’t look like a Victorian mourning hair ring, which is the only sentimental kind of ring I would assume Rooney would wear. Well, Us Weekly says that Joaquin and Rooney aren’t the couple we thought they were, because they’re engaged after all.

Us Weekly says they can confirm that 44-year-old professional edgy dude Joaquin Phoenix and 34-year-old NFL heiress Rooney Mara are engaged. Celebrate with a colonic flush – your choice. Joaquin and Rooney met on the set of Mary Magdalene, and have possibly been together ever since (the details are murky, thanks to Joaquin’s publicist).

This seems like a joke, which then seems like a weird and totally unnecessary marketing angle for Joaquin’s upcoming Joker film. But I doubt he’s going to reveal he tricked us. Because they’re actually engaged. How absolutely normal of them. What’s next? Both Joaquin and Rooney are seen dumping a box full of beat-up Converse sneakers into the trash while unboxing some shiny-new New Balances they bought at Costco? Hey, it could happen. They are getting married after all.

This will be both Joaquin and Rooney’s first marriage. UsWeekly doesn’t have any details about a future wedding, but it’s safe to say it will probably be pretentious, unconventional, and definitely won’t have a pie instead of a cake. Also, it will probably only take Joaquin about 5 minutes to get ready for the thing, since showering, shaving, and shoe polishing won’t be on the schedule. Rooney will most likely be late, but only because her she had trouble squeezing all of her Maison Margiela black taffeta ball gown into the rusted-out 1984 Monte Carlo Joaquin rented out just to be quirky.

The only thing I know for sure is that the photographer is going to have one hell of a time balancing out the visual look of the pictures, since the bridesmaids won’t want to stand anywhere near the best man.


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