Brace yourselves. A heinous travesty of justice has occurred. Time Magazine released its newish (this is the 5th year) annual list of the 25 Most Influential People on the Internet and Lindsay Lohan’s not on it. With that omission, Time’s list is a complete and utter failure and should not be taken seriously. Completely ignoring the fact that #DoTheLilo is the battle cry of a generation, Time’s list includes a woman who punctured her anus with her fingernails (Cardi B), an asbestos hawking Rainbow Brite doll, (Jojo Siwa, above), a sentient ponytail (Ariana Grande), a brazen American hussy and her faultless ginger prince (The Duke and Duchess of Sussex), a reformed porn addict (Jada Pinkett-Smith), a pro-cellulite crusader (Jameela Jamil), and some dude with an ugly dick (Donald Trump, allegedly). If Time doesn’t think Lilo belongs in that company, they’re out of their goddamn minds.
Time’s list isn’t hierarchical. Either you made the list based on your “global impact on social media and their overall ability to drive news” (like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez), or you didn’t. Ignoring the fine upstanding citizen types who made the list via good deeds, hard work, or by standing up to oppressors and bullies (Rahaf Mohammed, The School Strikers, Carlos Maza), the gross creeps (Brain Kolfage, Ben Shapiro) and the people I’ve never heard of (Ady Barkan?), let’s take a closer look at a few of the people Time somehow thinks have a bigger impact on the culture than Lindsay.
Take BTS for example. Sure they’re charming, handsome, super stylish, incredibly talented and beloved by millions, but what have they actually done?
South Korean supergroup BTS are well on their way to becoming a household name—if they aren’t already—thanks to their millions-strong fanbase of digital natives, called “ARMY,” who avidly consume and promote their content online. In 2019, having helped BTS top Billboard’s Social Artist chart for over two years, the ARMY propelled the group’s members—RM, J-Hope, Suga, Jung Kook, Jimin, Jin and V—to even greater success.
Pshaw. I have yet to see them light the internet on fire with just a single refrain. Although, I must admit, this is impressive.
— 방탄소년단 (@BTS_twt) July 16, 2019
Also on the list of people who are more influential than Lindsay Lohan, an egg. Yes I said AN EGG. I’m incensed.
You may not know the name Chris Godfrey, but you have probably heard of his creation: the World Record Egg, an Instagram post that became the platform’s most-liked image in January. Godfrey, who works at a London advertising agency, launched his campaign with an image of a single egg against a white background and a straightforward appeal: “Let’s set a world record together.” His goal was to gain more likes than Kylie Jenner’s photo of her baby, which had 18 million likes at the time. A week later, he had succeeded; the image has over 53 million likes.
Here’s Lindsay’s retort.
Which actually came first, though?!? Whose influence are we under now? Flawed as it is, you can see the full list here.