Open Post: Hosted By A Box Of Crusts Being Sold By A New Jersey Pizza Chain

July 12, 2019 / Posted by:

First of all, pizza is life! Secondly, the crust is the prize you get after ingesting thousands of calories worth of cheese and grease. And lastly, anyone who doesn’t adhere to these rules needs to be jailed. So everyone please join me as we strap up and take a ride to Villa Italian Kitchen, a pizza chain based out of New Jersey. It’s time for us to rain down hell on these bastards who have decided that they’re going to sell just pizza crust and nothing else.

This is a damn travesty for supporters of #TeamFatBoy nationwide, because pizza is a sensual menage a trois of mozzarella, tomato sauce, and crunchy bread. To sell just the crust is the equivalent of serving a thousand sandwiches with just the heels of bread and calling it a buffet. Not up in here bitch! We demand the entire thing or nothing at all. However, according to the New York Post, Villa Italian Kitchen believes they are re-inventing the wheel by providing the masses with theme park garbage can portions of just crust and nothing else. They even released a statement that sounds about as dumb as the idea of selling nothing but the damn crust as a gimmick.

“We know that the crust is everyone’s favorite part of the pizza, so skipping straight to selling pizza crusts only seemed like the perfect idea” reads the press release.

I’m sorry, but this is a no for me, because if I wanted breadsticks I’d go to Pizza Hut and order a million of them. The hell am I supposed to do with some damn half-eaten crust? While I’m eating this sad Lil’ Orphan Annie ass meal of scraps from Miss Hannigan’s waste bin, I would ask myself one question the entire time: Where the fuck is the pizza? And I’m not the only one truly offended by this mess.

Listen, if you’re into this kind of torture, by all means go down to Villa Italian Kitchen on July 18 and partake in this bum’s feast. But honestly, this really doesn’t surprise me that much since Villa Italian Kitchen are the same people who brought “gender reveal lasagna” into our lives. In any case, I don’t co-sign this shit and neither should you. And as soon as we all ride up on their cruel pizza abusing asses, we should demand where the rest of the pizza is so we can rescue it. And by rescue I mean eat every last slice.

Pic: Instagram

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