Cardi B is really one with her words. After being indicted by a grand jury for allegedly ordering a whoopin’ on two strip club bartenders, Cardi showed up in court where she pled not guilty, and mostly said the right stuff. Later on, she told the world a story about when she punctured her asshole with a fresh manicure. All in one day. All in in like the same four hours, I would say.
Even though she’s not going to jail, Cardi strutted into a Queens courthouse yesterday to confront the charges against her for allegedly arranging a beatdown on two women for fucking her man. TMZ says that the judge told her she was in some hot shit–specifically: attempted assault in the 2nd degree. And there were other charges. The judge let Cardi know he could tell her all of them, but her lawyer said it was no problem–they didn’t need to hear the menu. At which point Cardi spoke up with:
“Not guilty sir, honor.”
Here’s Cardi walking into court:
Then after court, Cardi hopped on Instagram live to give a lil story for us. You know I love a Cardi B monologue. This one was about hygiene of sorts… anal hygiene. Cardi was talking about how she wipes her ass very thoroughly. Which, listen: congrats. I love that concept. I think we should all do that. But listen to what happened.
Cardi has huge sharp fingernails, right? She had just got a manicure, right? Well yeah, you can guess what happened next:
“Because when you get older thats when you know how to fucking wash your ass: you put your whole fucking finger inside your asshole and fucking twirl it around and everything, and you wash your ass like this. Almost like you fucking playing with your asshole but you really not? So let me tell you something about the other day, right? So I’m washing my ass? And I’m washing it very fast, and I just got my nails done and they were so pointy… … …Do you know that I stabbed my asshole? …I really wanted to cry. I stabbed my asshole with my nails… I like to keep my ass clean cause *scoff, scoff* I get busy with my man… So anyways whole point is: that I’m washing my ass, right? And I’m going mad fast and out of nowhere I feel this–I–I–I stab myself! Bro! Like… I started shaking a little bit, and I froze… and I was like this… Shaking and I stopped and then when I looked… … … …I was bleeding. And when I saw the blood, like, it was like, like I couldn’t even move. Like my legs locked on me–they locked on me, like I wanted to keep touching it but… I was just so frozen.”
I mean: eloquent. As. Always. Watch it for yourself because reading isn’t enough:
Cardi B recalls the time she injured her rectum after getting a fresh manicure in recent Instagram story. pic.twitter.com/axSbokfCUK
— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) June 26, 2019
She then released a video for her new single Press where she’s on trial for killing people and kills like… everyone. Which screams legal innocence to me:
Hopefully all the blood they used in the video is fake and not from Cardi’s ass hole. And shoutout to whoever came up with those white eyebrows they glued onto her forehead. Got her looking like Colonel Sanders’ secret mixed-race daughter.