Last night, Pimp Mama Kris finally saw her Khloé Kardashian/Tristan Thompson/Jordyn Woods narrative come to fruition. FINALLY she would be able to turn the tabloid scandal… which was totally not at all arranged or enflamed by her or her people into the ratings she loves, which helps Kylie Jenner sell makeup, which keeps Kris living flushed in Birkin bags. (“And you know they need the ratings,” said Blac Chyna.) It was just as dramatic, self-serving and Botox-ed as you would have thought. And in the episode, Khloé revealed that during the heated scandal, Tristan apparently mentioned committing suicide, which is always a good thing for someone else to admit on national television. Ratings: here we come!
So People reports this is a two-parter episode, so bitch: there’s more to come of this trash. Last night, Keeping Up The Rotting Away Of Culture And Elegance With The Kardashians had half of it’s season finale. How on earth could this show about nothing last for a full two hours (or minus commercials- one hour and twenty minutes)? It’s full of shit, is how, and the Kardashians have tons to spare.
It starts with 34-year-old Khloé saying she’s been nauseous and had migraines, and then they take pregnancy tests because, why not? It’s for the show, just pee on the stick. And then Khloé is like phewf, because she couldn’t have “handled” it if she were knocked up. But, girl, how could you be pregnant? When was the last time you even saw Tristan when this episode was filmed? Ma’am, you need to be having sex with a guy to get pregnant with him.
Khloé then sets the scene for her cheating scandal saying Tristan was in L.A. for All-Star weekend and rented an Airbnb which is like, excuse me, you’re a millionaire, can’t you get a suite somewhere fancy? You gotta rent a mansion from someone who probably has less money than you? The fuck?
Anyway, the character-assassination of Jordyn Woods came pretty quick:
Khloé: “She’s not giving me all the information. She was like, ‘He was trying to kiss me’ and was like, ‘I can’t remember if we did or didn’t.’ … I said, ‘If you are too nervous to tell me something, you can text me.’ And she said, ‘Okay, I’ll call you in five minutes.’ She hasn’t called me and that was like, 20 minutes ago.”
Kylie:”It’s very weird. This is the first time I’m hearing she was sitting on his lap….Wow. Why would you tell tell me, ‘Oh, I saw Tristan at a house party,’ knowing in the back of your mind what you did?”
Khloé: “For Jordyn to know all I’ve been through with Tristan–literally, my heart is in my eyeballs. She’s blaming him. She’s like, ‘I was so naive.’ They’re both wrong.”
Kim Kardashian also paints Khloé as an innocent mother who’s been blindsided by her man- who had cheated on her in the past and also left his pregnant girlfriend to start dating Khloé:
“Here’s the thing about Khloé and Tristan. It really took a lot of strength from Khloe to try to make this work for her family and give it a second shot after everything that she had been through.”
And Khloé lays it on thick:
“It’s disgusting. I’ll never understand the depths of this … I was just hoping for a better outcome for my daughter and for myself.”
Right before she exposes Tristan for allegedly threatening suicide over this whole scandal:
“He’s like, ‘I can’t stop thinking about you and what mess I have caused.’ He’s doing this to get a reaction out of me. Oh, so I’m just allowed to say ‘I’m going to kill myself‘ at any time? That’s crazy.”
Yeah it is crazy… this man felt “trapped“ dating you and now he’s going to off himself because he’s finally out of the relationship? He went from ignoring her at New Years‘ parties to threatening suicide? That Kardashian Kurse really klaims everyone who komes into kontact with them… has anyone seen Kris Humphries lately?