The Newest Carnival Cruise Ship Will Feature An On-Board Roller Coaster

June 20, 2019 / Posted by:

I guess Carnival Cruise Line is helping James Cameron reverse engineer the sequel to Titanic by launching their biggest ship yet and weighing it down with Guy Fieri hamburgers and a motorcycle-themed roller coaster. According to People, Carnival’s latest sea coffin, dubbed the Mardi Gras, is still under construction in Finland, but it’s maiden voyage is scheduled for October of 2020. Cruisers will be able to enjoy the world’s first, and I predict last, roller coaster at sea. Because why not trust the same people who can’t manage to keep a buffet free of fecal matter with building an onboard iceberg called “BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster”. What could possibly go wrong?

People reports:

The new Mardi Gras is the largest Carnival Cruise Line ship ever built, weighing in at a whopping 18,000 tons.

BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster will feature 800 feet of track reaching speeds of nearly 40 mph. The coaster will stretch around Carnival’s iconic red funnel, offering riders 360-degree views of the water 187 feet above sea level.

You just know some drunk assholes are going to stand up in the lead car and try to do the Jack and Rose prow pose while suspended midair. This is out of control. What ever happened to good old fashioned sitting by the pool being served fruity cocktails and getting a sunburn after an unscheduled day-drinking nap? How is a person supposed to relax with a Jackie Collins book over the constant din of people screaming as they’re flung into the ocean at 40 mph?

The only cruise I have ever had any desire to board was The Love Boat and that was mainly because of Charo. The Mardi Gras will also feature a show called  Family Feud Live! and “themed zones” called Lido, Summer Landing, Grand Central, French Quarter, La Piazza and the sinister sounding Ultimate Playground, which I pray is for children. Also on offer, “dive-in” movies, “plus a hang-out space with cornhole, trivia, arts and crafts, dance classes and more”. Julie McCoy is shook!

Where will the Mardi Gras be traveling to? Who cares. If you manage to survive the onboard entertainment, you’re going to be in no shape whatsoever for “traveling”.

Pic: Carnival via People

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