Much like the ghost of his Von Dutch trucker hat days, Ashton Kutcher can’t really escape the inevitable rumors about his relationship. Sometimes it involves cheating. Actually… often it involves cheating. But sometimes it’s just a generic “IT’S OVER!” style story, like the one InTouch did recently. Normally celebrities are above addressing such nonsense, or they leave it to the detectives at Gossip Cop. But Ashton clearly wanted to talk about it on camera. Possibly because he appreciates any opportunity to be on camera since his show The Ranch got canceled.
Ashton addressed the situation yesterday in an Instagram video that he and Mila filmed in their car. Ashton, please, don’t use your phone while driving, you’re bound to hit someone. Again. In the video, Mila has a recent InTouch cover story on her phone that says her four-year marriage to Ashton is over. According to InTouch, Jackie and Kelso are done, and she took their two kids. This is clearly news to Ashton and Mila. Ashton writes:
“I guess it’s over @intouchweekly have fun selling magazines this week. Maybe next week my wife will be having twins. For the third time. But who’s counting.”
In the video, Ashton and Mila jokingly read about the alleged truth of their marriage from the magazine cover’s headlines.
Ashton: Oh my god, it’s over between us? What are we going to do?
Mila: I felt suffocated.
Ashton: You felt suffocated by me? I was just so overbearing, wasn’t I.
Mila: Also, I took the kids.
Ashton: I don’t get the kids anymore?
Mila: But you had a very dark secret exposed.
Ashton: What was the dark secret?
Mila: I don’t know, I only have this photo.
It’s a good thing InTouch didn’t have a line on that cover about Ashton and another woman, because I don’t know if he’s a good enough actor to cover that.
Mila: Apparently I caught you in bed with some cocktail waitress.
Ashton: Babe, when??? Listen, I swear it wasn’t me, it was…some other dude in a dirt ‘stache!
Ashton’s former The Ranch co-star Dax Shepard chimed in, saying, “DAMMIT!!! I was gonna take a run at MK!!! I want a refund!” I bet Dax wasn’t joking. He and Kristen Bell would have loved how much TMI mileage they could have squeezed out of a threesome story.