Miranda Kerr almost didn’t date her husband, Snapchat founder bazillionaire Evan Spiegel, because after taking one look at him, she thought he looked more like Evan Sméagol with his horrid face. Miranda just admitted that she was temporarily un-blinded by the dollar signs shooting out of her eyes (uh huh) when she first met Evan, and she almost passed him over because she couldn’t get down with his Alligator Man skin. That all changed when Miranda decided to do a 90s movie make-over montage to the tune of “Supermodel” on him with (of course) her own line of KORA Organics skin products (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG).
Miranda is in the summer issue of New Beauty magazine humble bragging about how she gave her husband a glow up, turning him from lizard man billionaire into a handsome 20-something billionaire worthy of dating a supermodel. These quotes are really fun to read out loud in what you assume would be Miranda’s internal judgmental voice, and Evan’s grateful to the point of tears, appreciative man voice:
“I thought, ‘Oh, this guy is cute,” the 36-year-old recalls. “But, ‘Wow, his skin is flaky!’”
“I was like, ‘Why don’t you try this,’ and I gave him the Noni Glow Face Oil ($68). Ever since, he hasn’t stopped using it! He always says, ‘Oh my God, Miranda, this is the only product that has helped my dry skin.’ Now, he won’t go anywhere without it.”
Miranda continued to offer a bit of TMI into their life by talking about how she might be the famous toddler-faced model one in the relationship, but Evan has the non-sharing habits of a toddler when it comes to being asked to quit bogarting his magical face products. Again, so much more fun if you read it in belligerent child and exasperated mom voices:
Evan will not go anywhere without his products! I tried to take them from him on our family vacation. He was on his way home and I was on my way to Europe. I said, ‘I don’t want to travel on the plane without my face oil and mine is packed in my suitcase. Can I please take yours because you’re going home now?’ He was like, ‘No way. I’m going to need my face oil.’ I said, ‘Honey, you’re going to get it in a couple of hours when you’re home. It’s no big deal.’ But his answer was: ‘No, I like to always keep that in my bag because what if I forget to take the one from home and I have to go somewhere?’ I finally said, ‘Fine! Keep the face oil. It’s fine.’
Every good argument ends with “Fine. It’s Fine“, especially if you’re trying to keep that $3 billion household in check. And if you thought that this article provided way too much knowledge about the facial marital specifics of Miranda and Evan, she also provides a little nugget about how she was on the pretentious health and wellness scene way before before goop was even a thing. New Beauty sucked up to Miranda by saying she was the original coconut oil-puller like that hasn’t existed in India for thousands of years.
It’s funny because I remember giving Gwyneth the products when I had launched in 2009. At the time, she was talking about how she just started this website called goop, and I was like, ‘Oh! That sounds right up my alley.’ Now our products are sold on her site, so it’s really come full circle. I know the self-tanner is flying off the shelves because she texted me recently and said, ‘This tanning lotion is incredible. I can’t believe the sales. It’s crazy!’
If I ever need to explain what humble bragging is to an old person, I will just pull up this quote right here. And I’m so glad we’ve finally uncovered the mystery of why Miranda and Evan waited to hump each other until after getting married- she was waiting to get her face close enough to his so she wouldn’t gag on his total hideousness! And all this time I thought she was just using her hidden puss as a golden carrot to lock down that marriage contract dough. I feel awful now.