These days, people wring their hands over The Singularity, fearing the day our robot friends will get too smart, turn on humanity, and begin using us as their subservient play things. But judging from the results of last night’s 92nd annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, it’s not the robots we should be worried about. It’s THE CHILDREN! For the first time in history, 8 winners were crowned when the grown-ups ran out of words with which to challenge the contestants. The children, they’re alive and hellbent on wor(l)d domination!
According to The New York Times:
It was a stunning result, coming just after midnight Thursday, for the 92nd annual event, which has had six two-way ties but had never before experienced such a logjam at the top. After the 17th round, Jacques Bailly, the event’s pronouncer, announced that any of the eight remaining contestants who made it through three more words would share in the prize.
“We do have plenty of words remaining in our list, but we’ll soon run out of words that will challenge you,” Mr. Bailly told the contestants at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Md.
He added: “We’re throwing the dictionary at you. And so far, you are showing this dictionary who is boss.”
Oh silly adult, you have no idea. If you could see the number of words underlined in red in my drafts, you’d understand why I’m afraid of these kids. And you should be too! There’s a fine line between precocious and diabolical (both of which I spelled incorrectly on my first attempt). Keep your eyes on the names below. Before you know it, they’re going to be in charge of your money, your health, and your government.
The champions were, along with the final words they spelled:
Rishik Gandhasri, 13, of San Jose, Calif.: auslaut.
Erin Howard, 14, of Huntsville, Ala.: erysipelas.
Saketh Sundar, 13, of Clarksville, Md.: bougainvillea.
Shruthika Padhy, 13, of Cherry Hill, N.J.: aiguillette.
Sohum Sukhatankar, 13, of Dallas: pendeloque.
Abhijay Kodali, 12, of Flower Mound, Tex.: palama.
Christopher Serrao, 13, of Whitehouse Station, N.J.: cernuous.
Rohan Raja, 13, of Irving, Tex: odylic
Instead of having to split the prize, each of the eight winners will receive $50,000 and a trophy. But the real prize will be the look of fear in their parents’ eyes as they sign the papers ceding power of attorney to their children. Look who’s got an 8PM bedtime now, motherfuckers!
Here's @ScrippsBee crowning a historic EIGHT co-champions BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF WORDS, set to "Eye of the Tiger"
— Brett Banditelli (@banditelli) May 31, 2019