Hot Slut Of The Day!
Kevin, the crazy cheese snack-loving lady squirrel who is terrorizing Seattle’s Discovery Park!
We Need To Talk About Kevin isn’t only a depressing moving starring Tilda Swinton. It’s also what parents who go to Discovery Park say to each other about the cheese-crazed squirrel who is causing HAVOC (not really) and will crawl up your leg and chew your thigh off so you will fall to the ground, dropping your bag of Cheetos for her to swallow whole. Okay, Kevin hasn’t done that yet, but it’s coming!
KUOW first reported about the wrath of Kevin (or Skittles or Geoffrey or Sammy or Mr. Squirrel, depending on the kid calling her) after hearing from parents who say that the only fuck she has to give is over getting some delicious cheesiness into her belly. Kevin isn’t afraid of humans at all. She’ll let a kid hold her, has crawled up a lady’s leg to get some popcorn, and will pop upon a Tupperware lid or break into a purse in search of her drug of choice: SNACKS!
On a Facebook group for neighborhood parents, some say that their kids don’t want to go to the park anymore because Kevin chases them down and scares them. But others will hold Kevin and feed her Cheetos, Cheez-Its, and Goldfish.
Kevin doesn’t mind when kids hold her, according to local parents, and has reportedly climbed up a woman’s leg for popcorn. She has been described as a bold, fearless stroller-hopper who unseals plastic baggies and pops off Tupperware lids. She pokes tiny holes for her tiny paws in nice new backpacks.
One parent tried to give Kevin something healthy by giving her an apple, but she threw that gross trash on the ground. The Brit Brit Spears of squirrels only opens her mouth for salty cheesiness. So if you’re a dude who’s uncut and you don’t wash down there that well, don’t go to Discovery Park or Kevin will try to claw open your pants to get that cheese!
Q13 Fox also did a Peabody Award-worthy investigative piece where they tracked down Kevin and caught footage of her nibbling on her cheesy life fuel:
Of course, officials say that you should never feed wild animals, but please, tell that to Kevin. Actually don’t unless you want her to break into someone’s backpack, steal a thing of Easy Cheese, crawl up to your mouth, spray Easy Cheese all over it, and eat your lips off for daring to say such blasphemous shit!
Pic: Q13Fox