They did it, gang. D.B. Weiss and David Benioff shit themselves as expected, but still managed to limp over the finish line to collect their check and participation trophy. Game of Thrones is finally over. Time to lay down our swords and memes. We have today, and today alone, to reflect on the mistakes we’ve made (not noping out after season 3) and the time that we’ve wasted (72 hours, 16 minutes) since Game of Thrones premiered in June of 2011. So, with that in mind, what the fuck, right?
*obviously, spoilers ahead*
That finale was a mess. There were two new characters introduced at the Great Council in the last 10 minutes of the show. And they just sat there not saying shit. I’m sorry, I would like to know what Dasani and Evian from the Straights of Thirst have to say! Don’t they get a vote? In keeping with the “let’s just get this shit over with” attitude that led to a Starbucks cup being left in a scene, and Jamie’s fisting glove making a special appearance in a promo shot, last night’s series finale featured two water bottles that nobody on set bothered to clear.
— Bala Yogesh (@Yo_Bala) May 20, 2019
The way they were tucked there under Samwell and Ser Davos’ chair tells a tale of governmental mediocrity unto itself. Welcome to the reign of Bran The Broken, who in the end, couldn’t even be bothered to sit through a staff meeting he called! When Tyrion asked who had a better story than Bran, I thought for sure he was being shady. But nah, he was dead serious. I’ll tell you who has a better story than Bran (besides each and every other person sitting in the decision yurt): Dansani. Homegirl went from being a dragon fossil, to a crystal clear beverage container within the span of just a few millennia. And Bran, what? Was nosy bitch with bad balance? Get the fuck out of here.
That said, I wasn’t disappointed in the finale. It was fine. It had beautiful gowns (Sansa’s new Queen of The North dress). Brienne got to work her feelings out about Jamie in that Westeros slam book (she was clearly about to rip out the page she was working on, and start over, talking about his little dick and beard lice). Daenerys, like Cersei before her (they obviously did not have earthquake drills in King’s Landing, there were like 8 doorways they could have stood in!), died in the arms of her partner in incest. Drogon’s unexpected understanding of physical metaphor showed that his species is evolving (I’m pretty sure he flew east to do a Meister’s apprenticeship). Arya’s years of assassin training paid off when she – oh who am I kidding! It’s done. WHO CARES? WE’RE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! And remember, if you didn’t like it, Kit Harington says you can go fuck yourself.
Goodbye Game of Thrones, I will remember you mostly for this video of Sarah Paulson drunkenly singing the entire theme tune pic.twitter.com/uwfWrOqzj8
— Clarisse Loughrey (@clarisselou) May 19, 2019