First of all, thanks to all who sent me good thoughts for my eyeball surgery, but I’m going to need you to reschedule those good thoughts for two weeks from now. Because the surgery didn’t happen. They prepped my eyeball and got me under that laser machine, but it refused to cooperate and work. Bitch was like, “I’m not touching that nasty piece of trash’s eyeball.” The worst part, though, was when I got hit with a wave of NOs after asking if I still get some pain killers even though I didn’t have the surgery. I needed them too, because my eyeballs were later hit with something a million times worse than surgery: CROCS FANNY PACKS. If you can hear over the sound of my heaving, you’ll hear the demons of Hell clapping as Satan takes a bow for outdoing himself.
Balenciaga, Christopher Kane, and Post Malone all got luxury suites in Hell’s Special Place named after them for doing Satan’s work by spreading the horrifying virus known as CROCS. And Japanese fashion brand Beams is about to get their own luxury suite in Hell’s Special Place named after them too, because they have made a fanny pack for Crocs. To think, fanny packs used to be the epitome of raw sex and one sight of them would make panties drop. Throw them on some Crocs, and they still make panties drop, but only because the sight of them makes people want to drop a shit in disgust! Look at that $53 unholiness! It looks like the gnarliest of warts stuck to Satan’s hoof:
Crocs collaborated with Beams, a Japanese brand, to bring to life their shoe with mini fanny pack attached. https://t.co/x5uZbODn1m
— USA TODAY Money (@USATODAYmoney) April 30, 2019
What do you even need a Crocs fanny pack for? To hold condoms since you’ll get so much ass from wearing a double dose of potent hot sexiness? Definitely no. Or maybe it’s to hold a piece of chalk, because when a mortal immediately dies in front of you from the sight of that ugliness, you’ll want to draw a pentagram around your newest human sacrifice to your lord Satan? Definitely yes.