Well, it happened. April 26, 2019 arrived and we’re all still breathing. That means Taylor Swift’s sinister countdown clock that threatened the end of life as we know it with a sticky, sweet rainbow Laffy Taffy blast that would have suffocated every last man, woman, child, and kitty cat on earth. There was an explosion, but it was contained within the confines of the Mary Poppins Returns sound stage. And the only casualty was poor Brendon Urie, who was killed by an errant butterfly. Praise Mariah. WE HAVE BEEN SPARED.
Tay Tay’s Hello Kitty alarm clock went off, and she woke up and delivered a new song and video called “Me!” featuring Panic! at the Disco’s Brendon Urie. The good news is you don’t HAVE to listen to it if you don’t want to. You will probably hear it throughout the summer, wafting from a Claire’s at the mall or, as one critic for The Atlantic predicts, playing “in Gymboree classes and cruise-line commercials until a meteor hits Earth”.
In a review titled “Taylor Swift’s ‘ME!’ Is Everything Wrong With Pop”, the author notes that Taylor’s pastel Instagram tease did little to gird us for “ME!”, “whose harsh cheer evokes a megachurch concert mass-dosed with ketamine”. Now that you’ve been warned, you can make your decision about whether or not you want to enter Taylor’s glitter snow globe of terror, from a place of knowledge.
Enter at your own risk. The snakes have been banished, but so have art, culture, and taste.
I’m not a music critic so it’s nice to have my humble observation that “this is shit”, confirmed by professionals. In an article titled “Taylor Swift’s ‘Me!’ Is a Pastel Nightmare”, Esquire writes:
In a time of extreme lyrical confession from artists like Ariana Grande and Alessia Cara or messages of self-love born from actual soul-searching reflection, like Lizzo’s “Soulmate,” Swift offers only a pandering, overly-simplistic fantasy.
Their conclusion? “Thank u, next”. And going back to The Atlantic review:
The most memorable lyric comes when she shouts “Spelling is fun!” and then declines to spell out anything.
A tongue twister of clichés—c’mon, Taylor, “Livin’ in winter, I am your summer”?—tumbles down before Swift ricochets up, up, up into a dolphin screech: “Me-ee-ee!” This sound alone may ruin summer 2019.
Sorry dude, Taylor can only ruin your summer if you let her. So while we differ on that point, there is one thing I think we can all agree on, and that’s that kittens are cute. They just are. You’ll be glad to know that the kitten in the “Me!” video, made it out alive. Although it will have a harder time not having its summer ruined by Taylor Swift than I will.
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Run little kitty, that crazy lady’s about to put you in a duffel bag!