Beyster Is Here As Beyonce Dropped Her Netflix Special And A 40-Track Beychella Live Album

April 17, 2019 / Posted by:

Go ahead and take your ass back to Target, and return those egg dying kits and boxes of Peeps, if haven’t already eaten them for your breakfast, which I know you have. Because Easter is canceled! The annual celebration of Jesus’ resurrection has been shelved, because Jesus knows he cannot compete with the Beysurrection of Beyonce at Beychella. At every mall across America, the people who play the Easter Bunny are changing out of that costume and into a bee costume because nobody cares about that irrelevant rabbit right now!

As expected, a special about Beyonce’s 2018 Coachella performance was released on Netflix early this morning, and as not-that-expected, she also released a 40-track live album of the performance. Happy Beyster Day, or as it’s also known as, Happy International Beyhive Member Fake Coughing While Calling In Sick To Work Day!

Stocks in caffeine and No-Doz are expected to rise more than 1000% because the 137-minute long Homecoming (yes, I am waiting for the gay porn parody called Homocumming) was released on Netflix very early this morning. In it, Beyonce and her team spend 8 months putting together her headlining Coachella show. Beyonce didn’t go to college but says she always wanted to go to an HBCU, so she brought that vibe along with black music traditions to her show.

Beyonce began rehearsing for Beychella six months after giving birth to the chosen ones, Rumi and Sir Carter, and says that not only was the pregnancy hard, but things got really serious toward the end. via The New York Times

Though Beyoncé has talked about battling pre-eclampsia while pregnant with twins Rumi and Sir Carter, she reveals that one of the babies’ heartbeats “paused a few times,” necessitating an emergency C-section.

To get her ass in shape for Coachella, Beyonce pretty much went vegan again and didn’t let her mouth touch bread, carbs, booze, sugar, dairy, meat, or seafood. So she basically survived on organic grass-fed grass and the blood of Sanaa Lathan.

There were days that I thought, you know, I’d never be the same. I’d never be the same physically, my strength and endurance would never be the same,” she says. “In the beginning it was so many muscle spasms. Just, internally, my body was not connected. My mind was not there. My mind wanted to be with my children. What people don’t see is the sacrifice. I would dance, and go off to the trailer, and breast-feed the babies, and the days I could, I would bring the children.”

And if you’ve got Spotify, here’s the album:

And a bonus track sung by Blue Ivy Carter. BIC’s maids better be clearing the shelves in her playroom, because she’s going to win every Grammy imaginable for this:

Two things:

  1. If you’re not a member of the Beyhive, today is the day to go to Costco, Disneyland, and every other place that is usually crowded as all fuck. Because those places will be empty since the entire Beyhive will be at home taking in the musical sermon of their God on a loop.
  2. Beyonce’s special is on Netflix and her live album is available to stream almost anywhere. She did not give the exclusive to Tidal, which is probably her biggest gift to the Beyhive, because they don’t have to make another Gmail account to get another free trial of that shit.

Pic: Netflix

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