Your Loss Ladies: Joe Biden Vows To Keep His Hands To Himself

April 4, 2019 / Posted by:

Well, you’ve done it now, ladies! Joe Biden was just trying to be friendly and you’ve ruined everything with your complaints. Uncle Joe has responded to accusations that his handsy ways have made a number of people uncomfortable, and has vowed to stop showing people how much he cares by being the #1 spokesperson for Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo. Joe may have a lot to learn about the new “social norms” regarding personal space, but he’s a whiz at new fangled technology as evidenced by his issuing a folksy video apology via Twitter.

People reports that the video was issued in response to the claims of several women who have come forward with accounts of Joe being too familiar with them, which made them uncomfortable.

In the days following accusations from Connecticut native Amy Lappos and Nevada politician Lucy Flores, both of whom claimed the potential 2020 Democratic presidential candidate touched them without consent and made them feel uncomfortable, Biden spoke out on Twitter and vowed to be more mindful of people’s personal space.

Flores claimed last Friday that Biden touched her shoulders and kissed the back of her head without consent in 2014, while Lappos came forward Monday and said Biden grabbed her head and rubbed his nose on hers during a political fundraiser 10 years ago.

Ew. Gross. Keep your greasy cartilage nubbin to yourself. Here’s Joe’s mea culpa.

I don’t know about this one, guys. What kind of bleak and impersonal world have we created for ourselves by no longer wanting to grit our teeth and simply endure being patted, stroked or otherwise pawed by well meaning strangers who take their social cues from watching dogs sniff each others asses and genitals in public?

In all seriousness though, the only kind of physical gesture of encouragement or support from a politician I want to be on the receiving end of is a hale and hearty thumbs up. Joe could even throw in a jaunty “you got this, girl!” and I wouldn’t be mad. But thazzit. Man, woman or child; if I never have to fake smile my way through a spontaneously initiated fist bump, high five, hand grab, shoulder shake, back pat, ass pat, cheek stroke, arm slap or, god forbid, hair touch “just to see”, I can die a happy woman.

Pic: Twitter

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