Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 3, 2019 / Posted by:

Apple Slice!

File this under: Shit I Can’t Believe Has Never Been HSOTD And I Deserve To Be Slapped For That! PepsiCo first peed out Slice in 1984 and it was pushed as a juice-infused sodie (it had a whopping 10% fruit juice) and came in several flavors. Orange was definitely my favorite, and I would’ve sold my best friend Armando on the black market to get one… and then Apple Slice came along in 1986. If Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider is the champagne of the apple juice world, then Apple Slice was the craft beer of the apple juice world.

Apple Slice was like the other Slice flavors. It had a MAJOR 10% of natural fruit juice in it. Even Mother Nature was like, “Slow the fuck down, Slice, you all are just TOO natural.” It was as if an apple tinkled a little into a puddle of sparkling corn syrup. It was THAT refreshing.

I’m not exactly sure how long Apple Slice was around for, but PepsiCo got rid of Slice completely by 2010-ish. But late last year, something called New Slice Ventures, LLC announced that Slice will be back in 2019 and they’ve really 2019’d that bitch. There’s four flavors and they aren’t calling it soda. They’re calling it “sparkling water” made with organic juice. New Slice, get out of my kitchen, you are not my father!

Oh, Apple Slice, what have they done to you? You used to be a trashy bitch who’d proudly wear a pair of janties in the park, and now you’re a yoga-doing, meditation app-having, Lululemon-wearing GOOP reader who describes itself on Instagram as being Lauren Conrad’s biggest fan. Disgusting! But with that being said, I totally want a Blackberry Slice. I’m just going to need to pour a couple of cups of processed sugar in mine to kill the organicness of it all.

Pic: Pinterest

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