Hot Slut Of The Day!

Vault Soda!

“What the people want is the brain-punching meth baby of accused ball shrinker Mountain Dew and Surge that’ll electrocute their eyelids open and cause their walls to crack from them bouncing off that shit so much!” is probably what a Coca-Cola executive said while pitching Vault in the early-aughts. In 2005, Coca-Cola brought diabetes nectar (soda) and liquid crack (energy drinks) together when they started selling Vault. Vault was meant to be Coca-Cola’s reboot of Surge, which they killed in 2003 (but after Surge-heads cried for its return, they brought it back in 2014).

Vault was a lot like Surge. Coke marketed it as a manly citrus-flavored alpha sodie-like energy drink. So basically Vault was the Ed Hardy-wearing, Axe-smelling douche who’d take up three parking spaces with his F-650, grunt while lifting to let everyone at the gym know he’s A MAN, and get kicked out of the soda shelf for fighting with The Dew. So basically, if Vault had a solo jack-off video on PornHub, I’d totally put it in my favorites.

Coke later put out a diet version called Vault Zero.

Vault was never a hit for Coke, and Wikipedia says they got rid of it in 2011 after bringing back Mello Yello. They also got rid of Vault because they thought it might take sales away from Monster Energy, which they spent a mountain of money on.

Coca-Cola bought controlling interest into an established energy drink called Monster Energy. Due to the high cost of the acquisition, continuing to sell Vault would have taken sales away from a brand that they had more money invested in.

Here’s a commercial that claimed Vault was a performance-enhancing elixir that could turn you into a paintball acrobat:

If you miss Vault, there’s a zillion other sodas out there like it. Or you could just squeeze an orange into some anti-freeze mixed with crushed caffeine pills and chug that.

Pic: Amazon