The Jaguar Who Attacked That Selfie-Taking Mess Isn’t Going To Get Into Trouble 

March 11, 2019 / Posted by:

Now, I’ve been guilty of making terrible life-ruining mistakes like eating Taco Bell before a hook-up and agreeing to drive a friend to the airport on a Monday morning. But even the deflated mound of wet dumb in my head knows that it’s probably not a good idea to ignore a barrier at a zoo to get a selfie with a jaguar unless I really want my obit to read: This dum dum died from being stupid. Although, my obit is probably going to say that anyway. But one woman at a zoo could’ve gotten sent to Jesus via a jaguar’s claw when she ignored a barrier to get a selfie with the big pussy.

Adam Wilkerson tells AZ Central that he, his mother, and two children were visiting the imprisoned animals at the Wildlife World Zoo, Aquarium and Safari Park in Litchfield Park, AZ, when they heard a woman screaming for help. They found the woman pinned up against a cage by a female jaguar who sunk her claw into the lady’s arm. The jaguar attacked the woman after the woman jumped over a barrier between safety and the cage to take a selfie with her. Adam and his mom are better than me, because I would’ve said to the woman-in-peril, “Girl, the fuck did you expect?”, before letting the jaguar know that I was calling the police to report the lady for breaking and entering. Adam’s mom immediately grabbed a water bottle, pushed it through a hole in the cage, and tried to distract the jaguar. It worked. The jaguar took her claw out of the woman’s arm, which allowed Adam to pull the lady away from the cage.

Adam got video of the woman screaming as her cut-open arm was worked on. The woman wants to remain anonymous (because wouldn’t you?), so the media blurred her face on the video. I’m getting a serious Nancy Kerrigan “WHY ME?” vibe from this. It might be hard to watch and probably because you’ll be saying, “Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh,” to yourself on a loop.

CNN says that the woman was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries and later released. She returned the next day to the zoo to apologize to the owner for the bad publicity and said she feels horrible about it. The jaguar is doing fine, and the zoo let us know that the cat won’t get an early kiss of death from the Grim Reaper:

While it’s good that the jaguar isn’t going to jaguar heaven, her ass is still imprisoned! And I know the jaguar attacked that intruder because she’s a jaguar. But maybe the jaguar also knew that the woman is the type to totally FaceTune her own face in a selfie while keeping the flaws of her friends (or in this case, the jaguar). I know, that’s crazy, like that jaguar has face flaws (see: her serving flawless profile in the screen shot above).

Pic: NBC News

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