Jeremy Taylor and Ally The Dog, who both survived five asshole-freezing days in an SUV that was stuck in the snow and had to live on Taco Bell sauce packets. Well, Jeremy did anyway. You know Ally was like, “Bitch, I’d rather die.”
KOMO News reports that while driving on a snow-filled forest service road near Wake Butte in Oregon, Jeremy Taylor’s Toyota 4Runner got stuck and couldn’t move anymore. Jeremy tried to push his SUV out of its stuck place, but since he’s not The Rock, it didn’t move. Jeremy tried to walk in the snow, but since he’s not a Yeti, it was too thick for him and he went nowhere. And Jeremy is obviously a time-traveler from 1809, because he didn’t have a cellphone with him! Never mind that I don’t know how it was physically possible for Jeremy to leave the house without his heart (aka an iPhone) in his hand, he and Ally were stuck there and had to wait for someone to come along to help them. Or wait for bears to attack the SUV, forcing Jeremy and Ally to fight them off and win the battle, thus making them the King and Queen of the Wilderness.
So there they were, sitting in the SUV, and I’m sure Ally stretched her legs, cracked her knuckles (do dogs have knuckles?) and rolled her neck in preparation for the fight she’d have to throw down when Jeremy started hallucinating from the starvation of it all and pictured her as a giant cheeseburger. But that didn’t happen, because Jeremy was able to fill his stomach with Taco Bell sauce packets he had in his car. This is what’s in some Taco Bell sauce, by the way. It’s practically a packet of fresh vegetables!
Tomato puree (water, tomato paste), seasoning (modified tapioca starch, salt, spices, sugar, maltodextrin, garlic powder, onion powder, natural flavors, xanthan gum, disodium inosinate and guanylate, paprika extracts), vinegar, sodium acid sulfate, potassium sorbate and sodium benzoate (P). [certified vegan]
Deschutes County Sheriff’s Office Oregon also said that Jeremy and Ally stayed warm by turning on the car’s heater every now and again. After five days, a snowmobiler found them and they were rescued. When they were found, they were on the brink of dying from boredom, but otherwise okay.
Because they got some free publicity and thanks to Jeremy their taco sauce is now a must-have survival item, Taco Bell said in a statement that they’re sending him some free tacos:
“We’re very glad Jeremy and (his dog) Ally are okay. We know our sauce packets are amazing, but this takes it to a whole new level. We’re in touch with Jeremy and getting him some well-deserved tacos and a care package.”
I think the authorities are downplaying Jeremy and Ally’s condition when they were found. Because after eating Taco Bell sauce for days, I’m sure Jeremy put the wake butt in Wake Butte when his asshole finally exploded. And I’m sure Ally had to be treated for bunt nostrils from inhaling the Taco Bell farts that Jeremy busted out. Although, those hot Taco Bell farts probably kept them warm too, so Taco Bell sauce IS the key to surviving in the snowy wilderness.
Pic: Deschutes County Sheriff’s Office