Condolences To All: Ed Sheeran Is Officially Off The Market

February 28, 2019 / Posted by:

Even though my ears and my eyes are deathly allergic to Ed Sheerhan (I had to snort 2 rails of Benadryl before tackling this story), I can concede that despite his oatmeal dander, he seems like a nice enough dude. And just to prove it, Ed did us all a favor. He went and got secret married, with nary a “hoop” nor a “la” to be seen. According to The Sun, Ed married his childhood sweetheart, Cherry Seaborn, at his country estate in Suffolk just before Christmas. There were only about 40 guests in attendance, and his home-scratch Taylor Swift was not one of them.

The Sun reports:

A source close to the singer revealed: “Ed got married a few days before Christmas. It was very quiet – just Ed’s oldest school pals, limited family and the priest.

“There were only 40 people – so no Taylor Swift, record company executives or any royals or pop star pals. He wanted no fuss and he wanted it to be something entirely for them – just a tiny winter wedding.

Apparently the pair have been wearing decoy engagement rings for some time now, so that nobody would notice when they actually went and did the thing. While Ed may look like a homeless Flamin’ Hot Hobbit, he’s actually quite a catch if you’re into being incredibly wealthy and don’t mind never being on top during sex due one of the ugliest chest tattoos I’ve ever seen. According to Forbes, Ed was the 9th highest paid celebrity in the world last year ($110 million). So don’t let the budget wedding fool you. His original plan was to build a replica of a Saxon church on his property and have the wedding there.

Last June Suffolk Coastal District Council denied planning permission for the star to build a private Saxon-style wedding chapel in the grounds of his mansion, claiming it would result in “unsatisfactory visual impacts” and cause “the impression of a second village church”.

As it stands, Ed and Cherry are “planning festival-style party for a wider list to happen at the end of the summer” where “they’ll be able to invite Taylor and their record company colleagues and royal friends”. I wouldn’t be surprised if Duchess Meghan and Priyanka Chopra both show up for that one. All us broke ass bitches slept on Ed and now he’s off the market. Watch, this Cherry chick is about to Have. It. All. And all she has to do in return is pretend to like Taylor Swift. And be married to Ed Sheerhan. And they have drugs for that!

Pic: Instagram

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