Late last year, news about yet another Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot/revival/whatever was burped up when Jennie Garth, Tori Spelling, Ian Ziering, Jason Priestley, and Brian Austin Green were papped getting coffee in between laughably pitching to networks. I say “laughably,” because I can only imagine how raw the vocal cords of network executives got as they laughed uncontrollably while Jennie and company seriously pitched a 90210 reboot without The Forever Queen of 90210 that is Brenda Walsh. 90210 without Brenda Walsh is like broccoli without mayonnaise. It’s boring, bland, and nobody wants it. And like broccoli with mayonnaise, if you don’t like Brenda Walsh, you obviously have no taste and don’t know what you’re talking about!
But I guess FOX needed a tax write-off, because they bought the 90210 reboot that will be 100% Brenda-less.
Tori Spelling confirmed the reboot a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t pay attention to that shit, because it came out of the mouth of Tori Spelling. I figured she said that just so the creditors would think a check is coming and would stop hiding in the bushes, waiting for her to come home. But – GASP – Tori was actually telling the truth. Fox has ordered six-episodes of what they’re calling an “event series,” and it will air in the summer. Six out of the eight originals will be in it, including the ones I mentioned above and Gabrielle Carteris. Tori seems to think that Luke Perry may grace them with a cameo. But like I’ve already said with disgust, Shannen Doherty isn’t going to be in it and isn’t expected to be in it at all. Tori also made it sound like Shannen’s the one who chose not to be a part of this mess.
There’s already been one 90210 revival that aired from 2008 to 2013. Shannen Doherty and Eden from Nip/Tuck were both in it, so I didn’t mind it. But this newest revival is going to be nothing like that. They’re all going to play an extreme version of themselves (so I guess Tori will be extremely broke then) and it will follow them as they try get a 90210 reboot going. Behold, the META weirdness you pull out of your ass when you really need a check:
“Having gone their separate ways since the original series ended 19 years ago, Jason, Jennie, Ian, Gabrielle, Brian and Tori reunite when one of them suggests it’s time to get a Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot up and running. But getting it going may make for an even more delicious soap than the reboot itself. What will happen when first loves, old romances, friends and frenemies come back together, as this iconic cast – whom the whole world watched grow up together – attempts to continue from where they left off?”
No wonder Shannen Doherty didn’t want to be in it. Does it sound awful? Yes. Will I watch it? Yes. I mean, my doctor has been telling me to get more exercise and me screaming “KELLY, I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOUR DOUBLE-CROSSING TRAMP ASS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BRENDA!” at the TV is a form of cardio.