Hot Slut Of The Day!
Throughout the day yesterday, my inbox was getting filled with e-mails with “Fat Rat” in the subject, and my first thought was, “Damn! Is my mom still mad about me eating that extra cupcake at dinner last weekend?!” But it wasn’t my mom fat-shaming me, this time. The e-mails were about the newest hero to those of us who thought we were having a “skinny” day and tried to get into our old skinny jeans and failed. I’ve seen that “fuck intermittent fasting in its chapped asshole” scream before, and that’s because I’ve looked in the mirror while trying to button up some size 30s around my skinny fat gut.
It’s a shame that the Pulitzer isn’t an international prize, because BBC News would’ve won several for their reporting on the most important story of the week (Michael Cohen, who?). The harrowing tale of the Baby Jessica of the 21st century takes place in the German town of Bensheim. Like the fat raccoon of Zion before her, the BBRW (big beautiful rat woman) was just trying to live her life on Sunday when she learned that the manhole covers of her town are fatphobic trash because their holes were too small for all of her rubenesque gorgeousness and she got stuck. Getting stuck in a manhole sounds like a dream to me (“Bitch, don’t act like you’ve ever topped!” – your bottom shaming ass), but that fat rat wasn’t happy and screamed ¡ayudame! in German.
The fire department, volunteer firefighters, and animal rescue all came out to help a big bitch out. They were able to pull up the manhole and poke the rat out.
“She had a lot of winter flab and was stuck fast at her hip – there was no going forward or back,” animal rescuer Michael Sehr told local media.
A fairly large rescue operation ensued – leading some to question why all the effort was spent on saving a sewer rat.
“Even animals that are hated by many deserve respect,” Mr Sehr responded.
Before the voluptuous rat queen ran back into her sewer kingdom, pictures were taken of her:
While those pictures are gold to many of us, I bet they’re triggering and upsetting to Jon Hamm. Because you don’t know how many times the fire department and animal rescue has been called to his house when the Hammaconda gets stuck in a too-tight hole. It really messes with his and his fuck partner’s orgasm.
Pic: Facebook