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February 23, 2019 / Posted by:

The Frozen Pool Pirate King!

Disney is already thinking of rebooting Pirates of the Caribbean, which made us all wonder if Mickey Mouse is addicted to some serious kind of downers that have slowed him all the way down, because the last movie came out in 2017, so there should’ve been at least two reboots out by now. But now Disney doesn’t even have to bother since the only reboot we need or want has been released, and it’s perfection!

Compared to past Pirates movies, this reboot has a much more layered storyline, likable characters, higher production values, more riveting action, and zero Johnny Depp. The latter is obvious, because when you hit play, your nostrils aren’t immediately attacked by a rank cloud of whiskey-infused gingivitis, neck cheese caused by over-wearing scarves, and bad decisions. Instead your nostrils are hit with the sweet scent of drunken and chilled hillbilly heroics.

Pirates of Appalachia (or wherever this is) starts out with our hero using a shovel to try to get the water out of an above ground pool while standing on an island of ice. The thing about using a shovel to try to get water out of an above ground pool is that the entire bitch could crack open, letting out an ice cold tsunami, and that’s exactly what happened to our hero. But he was ready for it and gracefully rode the arctic wave like the majestic ice pirate he is, and kept it together even though his timbers were shivering. And no, that Pirates score wasn’t added in. It’s just naturally playing through the forest.

That ending… Even the ice pirate king’s sidekick, his beer, stayed upright and didn’t fall because it didn’t want to disappoint its captain. A legend in every way!

Pic: YouTube

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