What A Terrible Cover Of Us Weekly, I Mean, Vogue

February 7, 2019 / Posted by:

No offense to Us Weekly. Their covers are better.

There’s been many rumors about how Conde Nast is looking to push out the Dark High Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour, but they have always denied that shit. But I wouldn’t label you as a dirty lie-teller if you told me that the rumors are true, and Anna Wintour knows her days of terrorizing Vogue are coming to an end, which is why she’s burning that bitch to the ground by turning it into a third-tier tabloid. See: Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin Bieber on March’s cover looking liked a bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife humping on her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover. Honestly, it would be more interesting and edgy if Anna gave the cover of Vogue to an actual bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife and her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover.

I wonder how many people on set had to resist the urge to pluck those pills off of Hailey’s dress, because they needed something to make them forget these two are going to be on the cover of Vogue?

Vogue subscribers already bought nose plugs in preparation for being hit with the rank scent of the Biebers while pulling the March issue out of their mailboxes. We’ve known that Mr. and Mrs. Bieber were going to be on the cover, and here they are in pictures that were shot by Annie Leibovitz. The profile on them reads like a parody of a troubled pop star turned born again pop star and the Instagram model wife who saved him. The interview gets into The Biebs’ past messy antics and paints Hailey as the rock who centered him. But even though they haven’t even been married for 6 months, she says marriage is hard and they’re in couples therapy.

Justin and Hailey became friends when they met at a service for Hillsong, the cult-ish church led by that Terry Richardson-looking pastor Carl Lentz. Hailey was a member then and Justin got into it to help him with his “demons.” It seems like Justin and Hailey are done with Carl Lentz, and are now members of The City Church, a Seattle-based hipster church led by Carl Lentz’s BFF and fellow Hillsong pastor Judah Smith.

Justin sees Judah as a role model and credits Judah for helping him to clean up and become a reformed douche. Vogue also spoke to Judah who licked on Bieber’s b-hole and said that Justin Bieber is fluent in brow-a-nese.

“I’ve said before that I’ve learned more from Justin than I think he’s learned from me—about the human condition, about pain. He gives a lot to the world, and a lot has been taken from him, including a bit of the natural progression of development, the chance to grow relationally and socially. He can feel everything, and that’s from those years spent wondering who in the room is being authentic with him. His spider sense is remarkable, but it haunts him a bit. He’ll notice people’s eyebrow movements. I get emotional now, watching him make a great effort to care about the people around him when the last decade of his life was lived in a glass box.”

Justin drinks every now and again, but says he’s off drugs completely. Hailey says she’s never done drugs before ever. And before he started getting with Hailey again, he felt like he was addicted to sex, so he put a closed sign over his peen in the name of God, and because he did that, he thinks God rewarded him by gifting him with Stephen Baldwin’s daughter.

“He doesn’t ask us not to have sex for him because he wants rules and stuff. He’s like, I’m trying to protect you from hurt and pain. I think sex can cause a lot of pain. Sometimes people have sex because they don’t feel good enough. Because they lack self-worth. Women do that, and guys do that. I wanted to rededicate myself to God in that way because I really felt it was better for the condition of my soul. And I believe that God blessed me with Hailey as a result. There are perks. You get rewarded for good behavior.”

That’s great for the Biebs, but while he may have sworn off fuck times, he was still getting (metaphorically) sucked off by Judah Smith in the name of getting The City Church more attention and money.

You can read the entire article here. It’s a ride that takes you from seances to God talk and more God talk. And here’s more pictures that scream Florida if Florida was a fashion shoot.

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So Anna has already thrown up the Kartrashians onto the cover of Vogue, and now Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin. At this rate, I’m sure we’ll soon hear the cackles come out of her mouth as she finally buries American Vogue for good by gracing the cover of its September issue with The Cash Me Ousside Girl in Valentino Couture.

Pic: Annie Leibovitz/Vogue

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