Katy Perry Was Suspended In Middle School For Dry Humping A Tree

Everyone goes through an environmentalist, tree-hugging phase in their youth, but tree-fucking is certainly a new one! It’s been pretty well documented how Katy Perry grew up in a strict, Christian household, but that didn’t stop her ass from kissing a girl and liking it. Only, that wasn’t the first time Katy wasn’t being a goody-goody gumdrop. Katy was on Instagram the other day putting up old pictures of herself and talking about it with her parents. One story included a 1996 suspension note from Santa Barbara Christian School documenting how she simulated sex with Tom Cruise on an innocent tree. Talk about one way to make a willow weep!

Page Six says Katy was sharing shit to her Instagram story, but none of that crap was as interesting as the note home to her parents that detailed why she was told to GTFO of school for a while:

“At the 2:00 p.m. recess, Katy and four other students were in an ‘off-limits’ area (behind the backboards) practicing a skit. Katy pretended that a tree was Tom Cruise and began making sexual motions (‘pelvic thrusts’) to the tree.”

Somewhere in Clearwater, the Scientologists are squealing and sounding the bell outside Tom Cruise’s  penthouse over the prospect of having an American Idol judge as his next wife. The Scientology bath house has been too busy focusing on Leah Remini to learn that American Idol 2.0 is a flaming turd. Anyway, back to our scheduled programming. Katy then had her innocent mother read out more of the note:

“She was asked to describe or demonstrate what she had been seen doing on the playground in front of some other students. Katy chose to describe it. Her words were ‘it was inappropriate’ and “‘like making out.’”

Honestly, a little bark in the mouth from that tree is an improvement over Tom yelling “You’re glib!” when he ultimately catches your ass taking a Flintstones multivitamin. It sounds like the simulated tree fucking is the straw that broke the manger’s back for ol’ Santa Babs Christian School. The note outlined Katy’s history of bad language, inappropriate outfits, and tendency to always start games like Truth Or Dare and Spin The Bottle. I’m just SHOCKED by this behavior from her! Oh, and there was more to the note from a stick-in-the-mud teachers who caught Katy outside a classroom doing the Macarena and looking “like an exotic dancer.” I guess compared to the A-frame hugs and romantic hand shakes they’re comfortable with, the Macarena would look like something they’d expect to be performed at, uh, a gentleman’s establishment by the airport.

Pic: Wenn.com