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Chef Banquet’s 27-pound bucket of mac and cheese!

If you’re a human pillar of contradictions who has both given up on life, and yet, is preparing to put yourself in the best position for the apocalypse, this 27 pounds of ‘Murica messiness that has a shelf life of 20 years is for you! Chef’s Banquet is a premium line of gourmet cuisine that made history when Michelin decided that its quality is so exceptional that the “restaurants only” rule was broken and they gave Chef’s Banquet, a brand, three Michelin stars (don’t fact check me on that, it’s true!). The meticulously-prepared Chef’s Banquet dishes are usually served at royal weddings and state banquets (I didn’t even wrap sarcasm around those last two words, because you know Trump thinks this shit is gourmet), but they also graciously slop their stuff into buckets for you to buy at Costco and on Amazon.

But sadly, while you’re at Costco picking up your weekly supply of Nutella, you won’t be able to pick up your weekly meal supply while getting in some weight-lifting action (because that shit is heavy). Costco has sold out of Chef Banquet’s mountain of processed cheese foolery.

Costco was selling Chef Banquet’s 27-pound bucket of cheese-flavored preservatives for only $89.99, and there’s 180 servings in there, which means it’s only 50 cents a serving! And IN THIS ECONOMY, that is a good price.

Now, if you were thinking that the bucket is just filled to the top with already-made mac and cheese, you’re wrong. Chef Banquet makes you work for it. Sealed-up packages are in that 6-gallon bucket, and you gotta mix together the pasta and the cheese powder (with water, I guess). Since I have a refined palate, my favorite kind of mac and cheese is Kraft mac and cheese, so the idea of a ton of cheese powder is making my taste buds jizz.

With the way shit is going, I’m tempted to get that 27-pound bucket of constipation-induced perfection, make it all at once, and then pour it into a tub before getting in and slowly eating until the world ends. I just have to remember not to fart.

Pic: Costco