Roasted possum, moonshine burps, and eternal hillbilly love (which strangely enough, also smells like moonshine burps) were in the air in Franklin, Tennessee last night. Because either Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth got married in a casual wedding at home, or they decided to take advantage of the slow ass Christmas “news” week by fucking with us. But all signs point to them getting hitched, and I’m sure many a Cyruses are wondering why a wedding went down when Miley doesn’t look she’s got a stage 4 CASE OF THE BABIES and they didn’t hear the sound of a shotgun.
26-year-old Miley and 28-year-old Liam first got together in 2009, and they got engaged in 2012. They ended their engagement a year later and the rumor was that Miley broke it off after Liam put cracks in their love by humping on side sluts. Then with Uncle Terry’s help, single Miley went wild and repeatedly covered our eyeballs with chipmunk glitter smegma while twerkin’ on anything and everything. But around 2015, Miley and Liam got back together, and she completely power-washed the Bangerz era off of her and became a Colbie Caillat cosplayer. Between 2015 and now, there’s been rumors that Miley and Liam were never going to get married, got married, and broke up again. But last night at their ranch in Tennessee (they recently lost their Malibu house in the California fires), they proved that their love is the opposite of the roadkill on Billy Ray Cyrus’ head. It’s very much alive!
Miley and Liam’s friend, surfer Conrad Carr, posted an Instagram story showing her, in a white dress, and him, in a suit, cutting what looks like a wedding cake while Tish Cyrus stood by in a pair of formal weddin’ goin’ jeans. (Side note: I thought that Tish was holding the vows between her thighs, and that made sense to me, but it turns out it’s just a note card on the table.)
If that wasn’t proof enough, there’s also a video of Liam doing a shotski with his brothers, Chris and Luke Hemsworth, while standing in front of red “Mr” and “Mrs” balloons.
Miley’s sisters, Brandi and Noah Cyrus, were also there.
Miley told Howard Stern that when Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson broke up, she sent Ariana the heart-eyed pussy emoji ? (???) and nothing else. Ariana responded with the cloud emoji ☁️, and Miley took that to mean that “she was saying, ‘I’m okay, and I’m here. … Thank you for thinking of me.’” So because Miley is fluent in the official millennial language of emoji, I’m sure that instead of saying her vows to Liam, she texted him with:
?? ? ? ? ?
And in sad achy breaky heart news, Radar claims that Billy Ray was NOT THERE due to “personal reasons,” but that Miley FaceTimed with him before and after the ceremony. This is shitty, shitty news. Because if Billy Ray wasn’t there, who made roasted squirrel on a shopping cart BBQ, and who creeped everyone out again while gazing at Miley as he yodeled out an acoustic version of “I Loved Her First” during the bride and groom’s first dance?!!!