I was initially going to say that this looks like a low-budget, fuck effort cover of a cheap Aladdin porn parody, but they’re all wearing way too many damn stupid clothes for that! Does Guy Ritchie’s live-action version of Disney’s Aladdin take on global warming, and in this one, the Middle-East is always cold and it never gets to “whip those hot man nipples out” Fahrenheit?
Entertainment Weekly put out the first pictures from Aladdin starring Will Smith as the Genie, Naomi Scott as Princess Jasmine, and Mena Massoud as the title character, and while my first wish to a genie would be for a hot piece of man who cums bitcoins, others would wish for this live-action Aladdin to disappear in a cloud of smoke FOREVER. Because well, Jambi from Pee-Wee Herman looks more like the cartoon genie from Aladdin than Will Smith does. And my 80s self, who used to put his troll doll’s hair into a topknot, is calling 911 on Guy Ritchie, Disney, and Will Smith, because that goatee looks like the scalped-off topknot of a troll doll.
Will Smith’s Genie look may also be his way of letting everyone know, once again, that he’s not a Scientologist. Because while some think that Xenu is the God of Scientology, he’s actually the nemesis of Scientology. So because Will Smith is giving us “black Xenu with a stick-on topknot” as the Genie, Tom Cruise has the most confused boner right. He doesn’t know whether to hate-fap his Thetans off or declare Will an SP!
As for why Will’s Genie isn’t blue, he said on Instagram that he is going to get the blue job treatment in the movie.
Guy also told EW that the blue Genie in the movie will look like Papa Smurf in a 70s gay porn, pretty much:
The final version of Will Smith’s Genie in his blue floating lamp form isn’t quite finished — the film is due in theaters on May 24, 2019 — but Ritchie gives EW a tease of what he’ll look like. “I wanted a muscular 1970s dad,” the director says. “He was big enough to feel like a force — not so muscular that he looked like he was counting his calories, but formidable enough to look like you knew when he was in the room.” When Aladdin first stumbles across the lamp in the Cave of Wonders, a big cerulean cloud whooshes out of the spout, forming into Smith’s goateed Genie, complete with a topknot.
Here’s another picture (and more pictures from this Aladdin mess) of Aladdin looking at the Genie like, “The FUCK is this look?” And the Genie this picture is making me sing the “I Have No Legs” subway song from Kids. Damn them for that.
Because us lovers of hot dudes only care about Hot Jafar (played by Marwan Kenzari), here’s what he looks like.
I think I’m Team Jafar, you guys pic.twitter.com/WgUt30c0gu
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 19, 2018
In this live-action Aladdin, Princess Jasmine must hit her head causing her sense of reason to get fucked up, because even though it looks like Jafar’s costume was put together using shit bought at Party City and the table runner section at Pier 1 Imports, she should want to ride that human magic carpet of hotness.
And here’s more Aladdin mess:
— Entertainment Weekly (@EW) December 19, 2018
Again, why are they wearing so many clothes?! Show me the man tits! If this is Disney’s way of making us actually scream, “Give me some Will Smith nipples,” in 2018, it worked.
Pics: Entertainment Weekly, Wikipedia